All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.

Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!


BJW -- Summer

What did the pig say on a hot summer day? – I’m bacon!

Why do bananas use sunscreen? – Because they peel.

Why are gulls named seagulls? – If they were by the bay, they’d be bagels.

Why don’t oysters share their pearls? – Because they’re shellfish.

Which letter is the coolest? – Iced t.

What do you call a snowman in July? – A puddle.

What do sheep do on sunny days? – Have a baa-baa-cue.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool?- Show me your mussels
What do you call a fish with no eyes? – A fsh.

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea? – It gets wet.

What does a bee do when it is hot? – He takes off his yellow jacket. 

What holds the sun up in the sky? – Sunbeams.

What race is never run? – A swimming race.

When do you go at red and stop at green? – When you’re eating a watermelon.

Why did the man love his barbecue? – Because it was the grill of his dreams.

What is the best day to go to the beach? – SUNday.

What does the sun drink out of? – Sunglasses.

What did the ocean say to the sailboat? – Nothing it just waved.


BJW -- Softball

How many softball players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're too busy arguing the last call.

When does royalty watch softball?
During knight games.

What does a softball player do when she loses her eyesight?
Become an umpire.

What does a softball pitcher and a professional bowler have in common?
They both know how to throw a strike.

Why did the pastry chef hire a softball pitcher?
Because she knew how to handle the batter.

Why are frogs great outfielders?
They never miss a fly.

Why doesn't Michael Jackson like softball?
The balls are too big.

What goes all the way around the softball field but doesn't move?
The fence.

What do you call a cheerleader who plays softball?
Babe Root.

What is the difference between a softball player and a baby?
The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Why was the pig ejected from the softball game?
For playing dirty.

How do softball players sing acapella?
In Perfect Pitch.

What did the glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.

Why don't orphans play softball?
Because they don't know where home is.

Q: Why can't you play softball in the jungle?
A: Because there are too many cheetahs.

Why is it so hard to steal third base?
Because you have to go through a short stop.

Why are skanks good at softball?
Because they know how to hit, run, and steal.

Why are frogs great outfielders?
They never miss a fly.

Why did the cops go to the softball game?
Because they heard someone was stealing a base.

What was the frog doing on the softball field?
Catching flies.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.

Why is an umpire like an angry chicken?
They both have foul mouths.

Why do girls like softball?
It's the only sport played on a diamond.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and an umpire?
One steals watches and the other watches steals.

Did you hear the softball joke?
It will leave you in stitches.

Learning Softball

 At one point during a game, the coach said to one of her young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

 The little girl nodded with affirmation.

 "Do you understand that what matters most is whether we play together as a team and put forth our best effort?"

 The little girl nodded yes.

 "So," the coach continued, "When a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all of that?"

 Again the little girl nodded. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."


BJW -- True Story

Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it.

When he got there, there game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

In other news:  Border Patrol still can't find the guy.


BJW -- Golfing with Wife

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."

"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."


BJW -- Good Job

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."


BJW -- Independence Day

Food, Family, Fourth of July, and Fireworks. The four best F words ever!

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

How come there's no Knock Knock joke about America?
Because freedom rings.

What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry.

What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A Fire Cracker!

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can't sit down.

Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington's army?

Why did the duck say bang?
Because he was a firequacker.

What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill

Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.

What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-Old-Pizza.

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold.

What did the fuse say to the firecracker?
Lets get together and "pop it like its hot".

How do you start the 4th of July parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street.

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772?
The Boston Flea Party.

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What do you call a duck on the fourth of July?
A fire quacker.

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.

Which colonists told the most jokes?

True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what's right.

True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.

Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people.

People have forgotten what 4th of July really is about. Today commemorates the freedom we use everyday. It's not fireworks and parties. That's just what makes it fun.

Let's enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China.

Let us remember as we fall asleep this Independence Day those who fight and the many that have died to protect our freedom.

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up too!

The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.

John Hancock was the only person to actually sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. The other signers did not sign it until August 2nd, 1776 or even later.