A Pig With A Wooden Leg

A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was wondering what happened to the pig, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig came to have a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last April and he dragged my kids to safety!"

"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.

"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.

"Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!" the farmer said.

"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.

"No, sir," replied the farmer.

"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.

"Well, sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once!"

A Man's Guide to What A Woman Is Saying

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

BJW Health Message

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE SO I'LL LIVE LONGER?

Signs You're All Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.

2. Sleeping in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to seven.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police, because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 P.M.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 A.M. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.

20. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

21. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

22. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

23. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Delhi Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms