All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.



Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!

7/17/2019

BJW Health Message

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE SO I'LL LIVE LONGER?

7/10/2019

Signs You're All Grown Up

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.

2. Sleeping in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to seven.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police, because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 P.M.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 A.M. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.

20. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

21. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

22. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

23. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

7/03/2019

Top 19 Rejected International Sports Team Names

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Delhi Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms

6/26/2019

BJW - The Old Man's Physical

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!''

6/19/2019

BJW - Miracle Return

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes 
heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

6/12/2019

BJW - Birthday Spider

Little Johnny was celebrating his birthday soon. His father asked him what he would like for his birthday. Without hesitation Johnny said, "A spider." His father was somewhat incredulous, so he asked him again. "I really want a spider," responded Johnny.

Well, his father went to the pet store and asked the salesperson, "Do you sell spiders?"

"We sure do," was the response.

"How much do they cost?"

"$50.00," said the clerk.

Somewhat taken aback, Johnny's father said, "That's too expensive. I'm sure I can find something cheaper on the web."

6/05/2019

BJW - Tourist Questions

I know this is supposed to be a "joke" day but sometimes I have to publish the truth.  Feel free to substitute your favorite national park.

Here are some of the "All-Time Dumbest Questions" asked by Banff Park tourists.
On nature...
  • How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
  • At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
  • Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk.'"  Tourist: "Oh."
  • Are the bears with collars tame?
  • Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
  • Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
  • Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
  • I saw an animal on the way to Banff today ... Could you tell me what it was?
  • Are there birds in Canada?
On geography...
  • Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
  • Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
  • Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
  • Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
  • If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
  • Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
  • How far is Banff from Canada?
  • What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
On tourist facilities...
  • Do they search you at the B.C. border?
  • When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
  • Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
  • Are there phones in Banff?
  • So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know.
  • Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
  • Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
  • Don't you Canadians know anything?

6/04/2019

Rafting?

I've got a hankering to do some rafting this summer.  It's been a few years since I tried to plan a trip.

I don't know how many of the Ilk still check in, but if you do and you're up to it; drop a line in the comments or better yet call or email.


5/31/2019

22 to Life

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

5/29/2019

BJW - Food

Tongue: a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: to turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

5/22/2019

BJW - Night Out

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.

Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

5/15/2019

BJW - Good Golf

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

5/08/2019

BJW - Afterlife

Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Michael go there Saturday for a sleep-over?
---
Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch, she said, "I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven."
---
My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked, "Where's Grandpa?"
   I answered, "He's in heaven."
   Surprised, she looked at me and said, "Still?"
---
I know what heaven is like because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born.
---
Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed, "God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: if You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven?"
---
Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there because there's a Dairy Queen everywhere. Right?
---
When Jenny was four, she asked, "Does heaven have a floor?"
   Surprised, I said, "Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like?"
   She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied, "Well, I can't see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers!"
---
I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies.
   She asked, "Do you think we'll look like Barbie?"
---
One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother,
   "If Grandma's going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in!"


Three people were trying to get into heaven.

Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St.  Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?"

"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter.  "Another one of those English teachers."


Baptist Dog

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.

They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"

Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes...  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."

So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."

And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.

Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible...  Turn to Psalm 23".

The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.  The next day, the family had visitors.  They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know.  I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist!  It's Pentecostal!"


5/01/2019

BJW - Bruined

Did you hear about the bruin that was seen riding a horse and using a long stick to hit a little white ball?

It was a very rare sighting of a polo bear.

4/24/2019

BJW - Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the flight attendant tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

4/17/2019

BJW - Sundry

Carry-On
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag.

The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.

Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."

Crispy Cows
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"

Government Employee's Three Wishes
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!

A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."

POOF!

Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.

4/15/2019

Tax Collector

Tax collector: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.

Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!

4/10/2019

BJW - Vocal Dyslexia

There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or crolor.

Symptoms:
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together

The victims: innocent meople like you and pe

Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things 3:

3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much

For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan

Thank you muchy ver.

4/02/2019

Posting

I'm still around.  I've lost the ability to comment on my own blog, and apparently anyone else's but I can still post.

I've loaded a few BJW's for your groaning pleasure.

BJW - Still Around

Real Estate Ad Phrases (What They Really Mean)

CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."

MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.

HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.

COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.

SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.

BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .

YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.

MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate statement.


3/17/2019

BJS - Irish Pun

An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

2/18/2019

President's Day

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day!" He is a smart kid.

I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...

2/13/2019

BJW - Valentine Puns

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Jon: "Really?"
Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my Valenstein!"

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small.

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"

What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.

Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
Because it's all heart.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine's Day?
"I'm stuck on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn't get a date.

What is a ram's favorite song on February 14th?
I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
Let me call you Tweet heart!

What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
You get buttered up.

What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
Cauliflowers!

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
You're purrr-fect for me!

1/02/2019

BJW - A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!