All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.
Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems
to be in top condition
physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,
he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back
off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your
husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs
use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for
him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!''
Little Johnny was celebrating his birthday soon. His
father asked him what he would like for his birthday. Without hesitation
Johnny said, "A spider."
His father was somewhat incredulous, so he asked him again. "I really
want a spider," responded Johnny.
Well, his father went to the pet store and asked the salesperson, "Do you sell spiders?"
"We sure do," was the response.
"How much do they cost?"
"$50.00," said the clerk.
Somewhat taken aback, Johnny's father said, "That's too expensive. I'm sure I can find something cheaper on the web."
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a
dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the
Tarot reader delivered
the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt:
Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"
Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter
and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies.
My daughter went inside
to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The
clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined
Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his
embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of
sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned
and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"
The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."
The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the
old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been
playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of
the game, but what's a rider?"
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Michael go there
Saturday for a sleep-over?
Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really
excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her
After the first class, at lunch, she said, "I like my teacher, and she
said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can
free trip to heaven."
My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked, "Where's Grandpa?"
I answered, "He's in heaven." Surprised, she looked at me and said, "Still?"
I know what heaven is like because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born.
Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed, "God, they keep
telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: if You know my older
You think he'll ever get to heaven?"
Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there because there's a Dairy Queen everywhere. Right?
When Jenny was four, she asked, "Does heaven have a floor?" Surprised, I said, "Well, Jenny, what do you think
heaven is like?" She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied, "Well, I can't see any floor, so I guess people are just up there
on coat hangers!"
I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies. She asked, "Do you think we'll look like
One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother, "If
Grandma's going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in!"
Three people were trying to get into heaven.
Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.
Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"
"It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.
Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?"
"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.
"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel
Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then
nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said,
"Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the
get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23".
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The
next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the
Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for
flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag.
The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman
argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and
finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on
anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe
Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"
Government Employee's Three Wishes
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the
comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my
mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish
to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."
Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his
time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then
genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever
There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1
Americans 15 every minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've
been lifing all my fight.
It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together
The victims: innocent meople like you and pe
Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful
symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these
3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much
For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a
synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."