BJW - The Old Man's Physical

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!''

BJW - Miracle Return

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes 

heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

BJW - Birthday Spider

Little Johnny was celebrating his birthday soon. His father asked him what he would like for his birthday. Without hesitation Johnny said, "A spider." His father was somewhat incredulous, so he asked him again. "I really want a spider," responded Johnny.

Well, his father went to the pet store and asked the salesperson, "Do you sell spiders?"

"We sure do," was the response.

"How much do they cost?"

"$50.00," said the clerk.

Somewhat taken aback, Johnny's father said, "That's too expensive. I'm sure I can find something cheaper on the web."

BJW - Tourist Questions

I know this is supposed to be a "joke" day but sometimes I have to publish the truth.  Feel free to substitute your favorite national park.

Here are some of the "All-Time Dumbest Questions" asked by Banff Park tourists.

On nature...

• How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
• At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
• Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: " 'Elk.'"  Tourist: "Oh."
• Are the bears with collars tame?
• Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
• Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
• Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
• I saw an animal on the way to Banff today ... Could you tell me what it was?
• Are there birds in Canada?

On geography...

• Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
• Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
• Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
• Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
• If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
• Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
• How far is Banff from Canada?
• What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

On tourist facilities...

• Do they search you at the B.C. border?
• When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
• Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
• Are there phones in Banff?
• So it's eight kilometers away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know.
• Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
• Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
• Don't you Canadians know anything?

Rafting?

I've got a hankering to do some rafting this summer.  It's been a few years since I tried to plan a trip.

I don't know how many of the Ilk still check in, but if you do and you're up to it; drop a line in the comments or better yet call or email.