All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.

Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!


Nuts About Balls

Yes the title says it all.

We've got a new kid at work. He is 18 years old, pale as a vampire, tongue priced, queer sounding, mumbles almost all the time, whining little post gen X slacker, waste of oxygen, who only got the job because his girl friend keep calling up (3 to 4 times an hour) till someone said "sure show up at 3:30 for training". No I don't like him, he seldom actually does any work and has told me 5 times in the 2 days since he started work that something "isn't his job". Incidentally I'm his boss when the other bosses aren't around.

We've got another guy at work, who is like me, older, a dad with a wife and kids to support who is used to doing more interesting work that pays better. His opinion of the new kid is even less charitable than mine. A lot less charitable.

So we bust our butts (me and the older guy) the slacker pretty much slacked and got yelled at a lot tonight. All of us were taking a break (the two old farts needed it, the kid hadn't actually done any real work) and the kid saw "beef and buffalo" fries as a menu item. I wasn't around for this part but the kid asked the older guy what they were and was told, "Buffalo and Bull balls".

Now as I understand it, where we were has the best balls in several hundred miles. People who eat balls say they are top notch. So the kid gets himself a big platter of deep fried testicles served in a white creamy looking horseradish sauce. And in case you are wondering, yes it looks something like what you would expect to come out of that part of the male anatomy. Me and the other guy had a liquid mixture of wheat, barley and other naturally brewed flavorings, it was cold and yummy.

So everyone kicked back for a bit and relaxed. The kid chowed down on the balls with all the enthusiasm of a hungry 18 year old boy, or a starved school of piranha. When he finished he talked about how good they were. Then he asked me what they were. "Bull balls", I said. "No, what are they really?", he asked. "Balls, Nuts, Gonads, Testicles" I shot back, "You know the things in the bag at the base of your dick except bigger". He turned paler. I didn't think it was possible but he did, it was like watching a ghost get bleached.

"You mean people eat that?" he wanted to know. "We'll you just did" I said. He burped and then he gulped out, "do you eat em"? I couldn't resist. "Not me, I think its morally wrong for one man to eat that part of another males anatomy", I remarked. The other guy piped in, " I told you they were balls, I just figured you like 'em, you ate 'em like you had 'em before". The kid got real quiet. The two old farts got another beer.

"Can I get a beer?", he wanted to know. "I don't think they'll sell you one", my buddy said. "Are you going to try to claim you were drunk and that is why you ate balls?" he asked. "I don't think you should worry about eating balls, I hear H___ (gay guy well known in town for being out) eats them all the time". I smirked. "I'm not a fag," he protested, "I was hungry". SIDE NOTE: I know he said "hungry" but that tongue ring of his made it sound like he said "horny", not a good thing to say when you're defending your heterosexuality. "Sure you're horny, you ate all those balls, that's what they are an aphrodisiac".

At this point the poor kid looked at the plate, and honest to goodness, I think it occurred to him right at that minute that the white creamy looking horseradish sauce looked a lot like spooge. I thought he was going to either faint or hurl. I think he thought that too. He only keep dinner down because he had a bigger battle to fight.

"An afro what", he pleaded. "An aphrodisiac" I replied, "you know a food that makes you extra horny so you can keep it up longer, like Viagra". My buddy butted in "That's why the indians did it. They got the idea from watching the buffalo. They saw how big of a dick the buffalo had and they thought if they ate the balls they could grow bigger dicks too." ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: I've got no idea who first said "testicles, yummy, lets eat that". Frankly they had to be one sick puppy. In Wyoming the "old indian legend" gets pulled alot and given a bit of credibility. This time it sounded like a good explanation. I know that aphrodisiac and male enhancement aren't the same thing but my buddy was trying to pull the kids leg and it seemed to work. Sometimes you just role with it.

At this point the conversation turned ugly. The kid bought into the whole "horny, gay with a small dick" thing and was getting mean about it. I think he really thought that eating nuts made you gay. So to get back he started getting way out of line, talking about our wives etc. Both me and my buddy could take this kid out, but we just walked away. We knew we had gotten him worked up. We also knew that we didn't want to explain to the boss why his new employee was too beat up to come into work.

It has never occurred to me to get upset over something like this. If I eat something and it tastes good, I just enjoy it. I don't need anyone else's approval for what I eat. I don't care what they think about it either. I like escargots. I don't care if you think its gross or nasty. When I'm in the mood I eat them and I like it.

I rerealized something that I'm sure many of you may have thought of too. People who dress odd and do their best to be "individuals" or "unique" tend to be the very ones that need other peoples acceptance the most. The goth or whatever they are calling the new punk look is far from tough, its a visual cry for acceptance. Unfortunately the only ones they are likely to gain acceptance from are others who are just as maladjusted as they are.

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