A Midget from Texas ...

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area, so he went to the doctor and told him about his problem The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

 

 "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.

"What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots".

 

300

I have no idea why this popped into my head today.

Xerxes I otherwise know as Xerxes the Great is remembered by history for some great accomplishments, mostly because of various building projects.  Xerxes inherited the Persian Empire built by his father Darius.  Darius had conquered large tracts of land and most of the eastern Mediterranean world was under his influence if not his direct control.  He completed his fathers building projects, maintained an impressive road system and was known for his grandeur.

Xerxes ruled over large tracts of land.  He had many impressive construction projects.  He was famous for crushing revolts in Egypt and Babylon.  Xerxes was an able executive, builder, and warrior.  He was far more successful as a king than any number of men who have held that honor.  Depending on how you rank such men, he is definitely in the top 20 of such rulers in oriental history.

However 2,500 years after Xerxes lived, reigned and died, the world remembers and honors one of his enemies the son of Anaxandridas.  This other man was a king too.  He ruled a small city state that was unnoticeable in terms of land mass and population, compared to Xerxes.

The son of Anaxandridas had no major accomplishments as a builder, administrator or conquer.  This king wasn't even his father's or his countrymen's first choice as king.  As a boy he was sent off to public school just like the other boys in his town.  He wasn't groomed to be a ruler or regent.  He is best known and probably only remembered because he defied and was defeated by Xerxes.  Two words that he uttered are remembered by mortals, "ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ".

Leonidas was the looser and Xerxes the winner.  Despite what you may have heard it wasn't just 300 Spartans at Thermopylae.  Originally there were between 7,000 to 9,000 in the combined Greek army.  Leonidas and the Greeks stood off the Persians for week. Probably because Leonidas knew the defense of Thermopylae was hopeless, and wanting to preserve the bulk of the men, and maybe he believed the rest of the army was coming behind him, he ordered a retreat.  Being a man of honor he commanded the rear guard.  Also not generally known is the fact that two other groups were present for the last stand.  There were about 900 helots (a group of people enslaved by the Spartans) and about 700 Thebans.

The Thebans surrendered at the start of the battle.  Nothing is known of how the slaves conducted themselves.  They are assumed to have been killed early on.  The battle accomplished nothing for Greece militarily.  Yet Leonidas and his little band of 300 are held in honor.

Of Church Trends

Why do Americans pick the church they belong to?  Good programs for the kids?  The pastor has good sermons? Grandma went to this denomination, so I will too.  We like the kind of music/entertainment, etc.  For most American church goers, most of the time, those are the kinds of criteria  they use in "picking" a church.

Pastors know this.  They even have classes on it.  "How to be a seeker friendly church", is a topic actively taught on across denominational lines.  Pastors, like any other marketing professional, learn how to "read" a customer. 

If that last line rubs you the wrong way, good.  There may be hope for you.

American's church goers (I didn't say Christians) have become "customers" and the pastors are "salesmen" delivering a product.  Who gives the pastor the most feedback?  Who gets involved?  Who has meetings? Who organizes service projects?  Who does VBS?  Who shows up to do youth activates? Who goes to talk to the pastor?  Who does the pastor have to make happy to keep his job?

The women.

Women as a group are generally more involved in church stuff than the men.  For years churches have had a high degree of female involvement.  Combine that with the American feminist movement  in the culture and we have a trend of decreased respect for men. 

The average pastor has between 1 and 4 speaking/teaching presentations a week for his congregation.  The majority of his performance feedback comes from females.  Even if he is not specifically aware of what is happening, he will receive positive feedback for the presentations that he makes that are more appealing to the female mindset.  Since most people like positive feedback, how do you think he will craft his next presentation?

What happens is after a period of time the pastor develops a style that defaults to a presentation designed to accommodate the female mindset.  This has been going on so long that it's no longer an individual trend.  I'm convinced that after better than 40 years, we are turning out new pastors that come preprogramed to accept this pulpit pandering not only as "normal" but as "proper".

The guys typically won't say much one way or the other, because we're guys.  If we are being men and treating the pastor the same way we would another guy whose job we are evaluating we would say things like: "That didn't suck as bad as last week, Bob", or "Jeez Bill, did you even read your bible before class this week?".

In man speak the first comment was a backhanded compliment and the second was a mild rebuke.  In church-speak, well in church speak you can't say either one of those things.  "Fine sermon, pastor" is acceptable, even when it is a lie.  So the pastor panders to the women and the church lies to the pastor.  Everything is "fine".  Keep the music "upbeat".  Keep the kids "engaged".  Keep it all "seeker friendly". 

One day there is a game on TV.  The man knows that nothing of value will be said by his pastor, because the pastor hasn't said anything that wasn't milquetoast for 12 years.  So the man stays home and watches football.  That man gets the exact same amount of spiritual enlightenment as he would have if he spent 2 hours at the candle light service, standing around in the dark singing love songs to another man.  Next week he stays home again. 

Why did he stay home?  Because men don't need potpourri pastors.  Men need, and respond to manliness.  When you present holiness and obedience to scripture in a way men understand, they stick around for more, because men love Jesus too.  But we don't make Him valentine day cards with little pink flowers on them.

Recently heard in church, "God can't use you till you're broken".  Wrong!

• Noah built an ark, it took him 100 years, there is no record of him picking out floral patterned borders for it, or pastel colored deck chairs, or asking his wife's permission
• Abraham defeated 5 kings in open warfare, after moving his wife across half of the middle east
• Moses brought Israel out of Egypt, without stopping at a gas station for directions
• Joshua lead Israel in war, no focus group, committee meetings or consensus building 
• Teenaged, king to be, David picked up 5 stones and charged a giant after refusing the King's armor
• Shadrach Meshach and Abednego, defied the greatest king on earth choosing apparent death rather than sin against their God

These are not "broken" men.  They are real men, with real faith in God.  Like real men, they go out and do stuff.  It's manly stuff, done in a manly manner.  God has established a chain of command for the human race.  It is, God, man, women, children.  There is no other hierarchy established in heaven for earth.

Remember the story of Deborah?  Do you know why we call it the story of Deborah?  It's not supposed to be about her at all.  It's supposed to be the story of a man named Barak.  Do you know why we don't know it as the story of Barak?  Because Barak pussed out and refused to go into battle without Deborah, so God stripped him of the glory for the victory.

Is God stripping Christian men in America of the glory from their victory?  I don't know if you can call it that.  It looks more like Christian men in America are surrendering.  

How Long?

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.

By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?"

Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.

Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.

Getting my Goat

Last night I was winding down when I got home from work and discovered what was intended to replicate a TV talk show by Sid Roth.  (It really was a 28 min infomercial) From reading the website I gather the show is broadcast on cable as well as the internet.  I saw it on the net.

Because the link to the show was on what I sometimes regard as a respectable news source, I decided to give it a shot.  The BS detector went off almost immediately.  This happens when people start calming that "God gave them a message". 

The Bible is something I take very seriously.  I happen to believe that God can give people messages.  I mean that last sentence exactly like I wrote it.  I believe that God can give people a special message or revelation.  If He is, is another matter.

Fortunately we have a two prong test that allows us to test these claims.

• Does the prophetic claim contradict anything in written scripture?
• Does the "sign" or "result" come to pass?

Both Sid Roth and his featured guest Jordan Rubin claim to be Messianic Jews.  That is they say they are religiously both Hebrew and Christian.  I'm OK with that claim and I see no inherent contradiction in it.  Mr. Jordan Rubin claims to be an evangelist/pastor of a Christian church who has, as he claims, been given a special message from God, that is guaranteed to make those who respond "10 times Wiser, 10 times Healthier, 10 times Closer to God".  According to Mr. Rubin and Mr. Roth this can be accomplished in just 10 days after purchasing a "kit" for $69.99.

If the TV show is to be believed, the majority of the material behind the system that God told Mr. Rubin about when he was in India is found in the book of Daniel.  Apparently the special message centers around eating only kosher vegetables and water for 10 days, as well as keeping kosher, intermittent fasting and some other conditions found in the kit that you get for a low, low  price of $69.99, shipping included.

According to Mr. Rubin God hasn't changed his mind about anything and all of the Old Testament requirements are still in effect.  My memory may be a little rusty, but I don't remember anyone paying  to get a special message from God in the OT.  Maybe I just need to be 10 times wiser than I am now.

In fact I know I need to be wiser than I am now.  I propose a test.  I am willing to eat only water and vegetables like Daniel did.  Mr. Roth can pick how much and how often according to the message he says God told him.  I will continue my normal exercise routine, basically a three day a week version of strong lifts 5X5 with some cardio. 

• I am willing to be tested in any independent standardized IQ test before and after the 10 days to see if I am "wiser". 
• We can track my vital health statistics with BMI, blood work, and whatever other scientific methods (echo cardio gram etc) that Mr. Rubin and Mr. Jordan propose.
• The next part about being 10 Times closer to God is more tricky.  I freely admit that I'm not a very good Christian.  Any improvement in this department would by its very nature be a highly subjective.  The proof of improvement therefor needs to be something that is undeniable.  I think a visible miracle preformed at my discretion would suffice.  Mr. Roth and Jordan can name the miracle, walking on water, miraculous healings, lame to walk (I pick the cripple), water into wine etc. 

If they are correct and these things come to pass, I am willing to pay 10 times the cost of the kit, $699.99.  I'm willing to lower my expectation to an improvement in these areas to 5 times where I am now.

However, if they are wrong, I propose we follow the Old Testament to the letter.  Mr. Jordan has already made the claim that this is the correct way to view scripture so I think we should take him at his word.

Deut 18:20-22

But the prophet who presumes to speak a word in My name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or who speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet shall die.' 

And if you say in your heart, 'How shall we know the word which the LORD has not spoken?' —  when a prophet speaks in the name of the LORD, if the thing does not happen or come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD has not spoken; the prophet has spoken it presumptuously ; you shall not be afraid of him.

NKJV

It's one thing to be a snake oil salesman.  It's another dimension of sleaze when you pretend God told you to do it.  IF God really told you what you claim, He will back you up.  Here is your chance.

Perspective, Assumption, Conclsuion

When I was 11 or 12, there was a big brouhaha about the advertising of what was euphemistically called feminine hygiene products on TV.  At least it was a brouhaha among the "respectable" women in my mothers social circle and at our church.

At that age I didn't have the slightest clue what a "feminine hygiene product" was or what it was used for.  I was however into current events.  I read the paper, especially the commentary and editorial section.  I liked being "up" on the events of the day.  I liked being included in "adult" conversations. 

Then one day at a social event I bit off more than I could chew.  There was a man at our church who was well regarded.  He was what they used to call an industrialist.  This was back when being an industrialist was a good thing.  He was smart, had money and was a member of the country club where I worked as a caddy. 

This was my chance to make points with the upper crust.  The only business related topic I was up on was the "feminine products" advertising scandal.  I had a go with that topic as a conversation starter.

I'm not sure now what I said, but it was in the line of a generally disapproving view on the subject.  I guess I thought that I was defining if not defending the moral high ground.  "Why shouldn't they be allowed to advertise on TV?", he asked me.  "It's a legitimate product isn't it?". 

I had no idea what the product was or what it was used for.  Only recently I had the experience of standing in my friend's back yard and seeing his back door neighbor take her bra off in her bedroom.  I'm not sure how much I saw.  The bra came off.  The clouds opened and a light shown down.  I think angels were singing in the background.  Beyond that I didn't have much experience in the "female" department.

"Well?" he inquired.  "I guess I don't know", I admitted.  I think he knew I didn't have the foggiest idea what I was talking about, but he mercifully let that part go.  "If the product is, legal, has a market that wants it, and is legitimate why shouldn't they be able to advertise the features that they think the customer wants?" he wanted to know.

I didn't have an answer, because there wasn't a logical reason they shouldn't be allowed to do what they were doing.  I had been operating on a faulty assumption and a false perspective.  My conclusion sounded good and noble but was wrong.

Americans display the same faulty thinking that I had on maxi-pad advertisement.  Someone whom they regard as respectable makes a comment about something.  The person making the comment doesn't explain why they think what they do.  They just assume that the reason is obvious and that there can be no other explanation than the one they are implying.  The next person that comes along just makes the assumption that the opinion they have heard is the right one and they go with it, as if it was an undisputed fact.

This process is how our society transfers "gossip" into "consensus" and then into "policy".  Finally that policy becomes law.  There is a reason that America is governed with the mental acuity of a 12 year old boy discussing the advertising strategies of menstrual rag manufactures.  The reason is, we think like hysterical pontificating women and we let those influenced by them run things.