All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.



Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!

2/05/2014

Soon We Won't Have Any Freedoms Left

I don't like drones.  I didn't think they had any legitimate use at all.  I was proven wrong and I admit it. 

Thirsty ice fishermen can no longer receive beer deliveries via drones in Minnesota
Ice fisherman in central Minnesota will no longer be able to have beer delivered to them by a drone. Lakemaid Beer had been testing a drone delivery service on Lake Mille Lacs, one of the most popular fishing destinations in Minnesota. Fishermen simply called in with their coordinates, and a drone was sent carrying refreshments.
After news of the drone deliveries started to go viral, the FAA found out and grounded the service.
I've ice fished and I may do it again.  While I can't remember the last time I caught a fish through the ice, I consider myself one of the worlds foremost experts on the subject.  There are some things you need to ice fish effectively.  Lots of thick ice, some method of drilling a hole in it, fishing gear and alcohol.  Other things like a shanty and a source of heat are nice, as are a truck with a good heater. 

Out of all those things on the list all you really need is the ice and alcoholic beverages.  True if you don't have a hole chopped in the ice and fishing gear you aren't likely to catch fish.  That's a minor detail.  Nobody goes ice fishing to catch fish.  If you didn't have serious issues in your life forcing you out of doors in subzero weather and a jones for booze you wouldn't go. 

Yeah, you might be ice fishing for the fun of it.  Frostbite is fun, right?  If there is a more miserable place to be in the winter time than Minnesota, its got to be North Dakota.  That's not the point. 

It's Minnesota, its February, its -14 outside and the wind is blowing, its snowing and its never going to stop!  On the downside a married man has been confined to his house for at least 60 days with his wife, kids and a gaggle of relatives at Christmas.  What's a man to do?  Football is over, and summer mosquito season is still six months away.  Minnesota doesn't even have a decent name or mascot for their hockey team for crisssakes.  Even if they did the Red Wings would skate them into little legless octopi.

On the upside, that man has a fishing shanty and the ice is thick enough to drive on.  He artfully explains to his wife that the boss is sending him to a convention in Duluth for the week.  Then he goes to his boss to get him to cover with the wife.  The boss makes him a deal they'll both lie for each other, and he'll buy the propane for the heater and go half on the rest.  Sitting in an outhouse on a frozen lake, smoking cigars and eating Van Camps baked beans beats the heck out of the other winter activities in Minnesota.

The only problem with the plan is that there is no way you can pack a shanty and enough beer to keep two men ice fishing for a week in a pick-up truck.  That's where the drones came in.  The drones kept everyone happy and safe.  Just place your order and the drones bring out the beer.  Every couple of hours a new case of beer arrives.  Nobody had to drive into town to get it, it just showed up, like liquid manna from heaven.  A routine develops; drink, fish, piss, oh look more beer, bring it inside before it freezes, repeat. 

The ice fisherman got to stay on the lake.  Maybe the extra time fishing helped him catch more fish, maybe not.  It doesn't matter.  That time drinking ice fishing saved his life and probably his marriage.  Sure his wife knows he didn't go to Duluth.  She doesn't ask why he has a $1,400 delivery charge from Bob's Bait and Booze on his credit card.  He doesn't ask why her credit card has 112 visits to the Cinnabun in the Mall of America, or why the kids spent the week at her mothers.  It's Minnesota.  It's winter and people cope as best they can.

Damn you FAA!  What do you have against traditional Midwestern marriage?

There is nothing like a week spent too drunk to fish, passed out on the ice breathing stale cigars and baked been farts, to make a man go back to his flannel clad wife who hasn't shaved her legs or pits since August and feel like getting frisky.

6 comments:

Giraffe said...

Huh. We always icefished to catch fish. Perhaps that is why I don't do it anymore.

WaterBoy said...

Very nicely done.

Easy solution -- replace drones with R/C miniature snowmobiles. Maybe not as fast as air delivery, and you have to watch out for orphaned holes in the ice, but there won't be any hassles from the FAA.

Res Ipsa said...

From what I understand about the drones they are totally programmable. Once the drop coordinates are in its 100% auto pilot there and back. They can fly at night, in fog without the need for human eyes. You can be blind drunk and still get more beer.

Rick said...

That was funny.

Except the part about the Red Wings, that sucked.

newrebeluniv said...

The real reason we don't have flying cars yet. The FAA won't permit progress in the air. For any reason.

WaterBoy said...

Res Ipsa: "From what I understand about the drones they are totally programmable. Once the drop coordinates are in its 100% auto pilot there and back."

Even worse, then. What happens when this company's competitors start fielding drone fleets of their own? I doubt these things come equipped with collision avoidance systems, so mid-air collisions will become common, leading to spilled beer all over the ice (alcohol abuse!). Hijacked shipments, drone shootdowns by shotgun, GPS signal jamming...Beer War Chaos, I tells ya!