Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho... Alaska!
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It's sweeping the nation!
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
A: An irrelephant.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.
Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
A: "With a bee bee gun."
Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A: Clean Jokes!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where's Popcorn?"
Q: What do you call sad coffee?"
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
A: A penny.
Q: How do you make an Octupus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
Q: What is the tallest building in the world?
A: The library! It has the most stories!
Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: the alpha bet
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the "spot."
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: Which is the building is the largest?
A: The library because it has the most stories.
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A: A rainbow!
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.
Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a bogey in it.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.
Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
A: It never came out.
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious
Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.
Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: a Roman Catholic
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.
Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
Q: What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers?
A: the Telephone.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A: The road!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: What did Delaware?
A: a New Jersey
Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist?
A: He took his wife for granite so she left him
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
A: Cool Music
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you call a window that raps?
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: a loose Canon
Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.
Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!
Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
A: Depeche a la Mode.
Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
A: A barbercue
Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What do you call a condiment with a hit single?
A: a must"heard"
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing!
Q: What do you get when you plant kisses?
A: Tu-lips (two-lips)
Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are to little to smoke!
Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!