Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because is saw a lolly pop
Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler?
A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Q: What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
A: A screw driver
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.
Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race?
Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: Your pointless!
Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It's the one rated Arrrr!
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him?
A: The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.
Q: What did the M&M go to college?
A: Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Q: What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: What do you call a magician on a plane?
A: A flying sorcerer!
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.
Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid
Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!
Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary?
A: Because it runs through your jeans.
What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Police
Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: What did the tailor think of her new job?
A: It was sew sew.
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion.
Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Why was the robot mad?
A: People kept pushing its buttons.
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinners on me
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!
Q: What do you call a house that likes food?
A: a Condoment!
Q: What runs but can't walk?
A: The faucet!
Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What do you call leftover aliens?
A: Extra Terrestrials.
Q: What's taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.
Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
Some say he got beet.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: Why is a 2016 calendar more popular than a 2015 calendar?
A: It has more dates.
Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: a cereal killer.
Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: a rectangle
Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.
Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Q: Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
A: All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.
Q: What the difference between you and a calendar?
A: a calendar has dates.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
A: Bridge over troubled water.
Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
A: He was booed off stage.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the "barking" lot!
Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.
Q: Why are chefs so mean?
A: They beat eggs and whip cream.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off?
A: He's all right now.
Q: Did you hear about the paper boy?
A: He blew away
Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: Where does bad light go?
Q: Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture?
A: None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
A: Their making headlines...
Q. What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow.
Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate).
Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!
Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest
Q: Why did the computer break up with the internet?
A: There was no "Connection".
Q: What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A: a garbage truck.
Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
Q: What music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music
Q: What do you call a book that's about the brain?
A: A mind reader.
Q: Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party?
A: A party pooper.
Q. Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls?
A. It was a Barbie-Q.
Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Q: What is a tree's favorite drink?
A: Root beer!
Q: What four letters will frighten a burglar?
A: O I C U
Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To prism!
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships
Q: I can run but not walk, have a mouth but can't talk, and a bed, but I do not sleep. What am I?
A: A River.