Christian Rock?

A perfectly good thread on feminism and the Church got hijacked at Vox's by some blathering about Christian Rock. Thus this rant.

Back in the day, I went to a Baptist High School. The “no rock and roll” message was crammed down my throat so often that I decided to give the “Godly Alternative” a try. Actually, I did it to keep from getting a three day suspension from school.

We were coming back from a JV and Varsity game. The coach, who was also the algebra teacher, was the biggest self-righteous dork the Southern Baptist Convention has ever produced. We'll call the teacher Red, not Mr. Red, you gotta be a man to be a Mister. Underclassmen feared him, they needed to pass his class. He liked it that way.

Some poser of a pastor’s kid decided to narc me out, that I was listening to something bad on my headphones. Maybe even something really bad like Huey Lewis, or satanic like Banana Rama. I had Unleashed in the East going, when Red stormed to the back of the bus and demanded my tape. During the lecture, my walkman was threatened with being tossed out the bus window. With an expression so pious that Clinton would be envious, I said, “but sir, Judas Priest is a Christian band.”

Red being ignorant of all things musical, fun, or hygienic, only knew what he had been told about what the kids were listening to. I’m sure if I had the Beatles, Stones, or the infamous Strawberry Alarm Clock, I would have been dead meat. So bold was my lie that not only was he on the verge of buying it; the other coach said, “I think I’ve heard of them”. And that was that.

To my surprise, Red gave me back my walkman and went to the front of the bus, smacking a freshman on the back of the head as he sulked off.

It would've been brilliant and the story might have turned out different, but the next week I had another tape and Red had looked up who Judas Priest was. He was Screaming for Vengeance and wasn’t buying that Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy was the latest in praise and worship.

My tape got grabbed and I was called to the senior pastor’s office. Fortuity, he was inclined to be cool. I was given a choice, three days off school, or I could try to like and listen to some Christian Rock. I'd have to write one paper a week for the rest of the term about each group I was listening to.

I could buy some tapes, go to some concerts and type up a dozen or so papers. Or I could tell my folks why I was suspended from school, which would cost me my drivers license and use of the car. I gave Christian Rock a chance.

Some of the music was cool and I liked a few songs. What turned me off was talking to the guys in the bands. I got sick of hearing about how the Holy Spirit taught them this cord or that riff. According to these hacks God was directing their very fingers in service to Him. I might have bought it, except half of this Divinely Inspired rock was lick for lick rip offs of Ozzy and Pink Floyd. The other half sucked.

Feel free to fire off about how your favorite group is different. It’s entertainment, and if you like it that’s ok with me. I don’t see it as anything special or spiritual. I doubt the Alpha and Omega needs to “rock out”. Listen to it as you like, but if God inspired it, than God inspired War Pigs too.