A Mix Today

One-Armed Consultant

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one-armed consultant with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand.'"

OneLiners

 "You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail."
 
"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my Word."

Communion

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...

"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"

Oneliners Part 2

Before the '60s, most teenagers used self-control.

Money talks, but credit has an echo.

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.

One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

When you're at school, you wish you were old enough to work.

Night falls . . . but . . . Day breaks.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

It's a new year, do you know where your credit cards are?

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.

A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.

A healthy male adult bore, consumes each year, one and a half times his weight, in other people's patience.

Whenever buying a gift for a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary, buy them something they will use right away.

I told my teenage son to enjoy this part of his life, that he would never again feel so secure in his ignorance.

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.