My Mother

My mother is a conundrum for me.  I've learned how to see where she is coming from and I've come to figure out a little of how she thinks.   SOMETIMES.  I also learned how to have an adult relationship with her.  The way this works in real life, is that Mrs. Ipsa spends an hour or so each week on the phone with her and relates any information and/or family gossip, that I may find useful.  This keeps me informed of family info that I need, and keeps me from having to deal with her too often.  It's a system that has been perfected over 16 years and I like it.

Normally this is a great system and it has worked wonders.  Living over 1,000 miles apart can be a good thing too.  Saturday night at dinner the whole damn deal went straight to hell.  The main problem was that my parents were here in person and there was no filter form mom's mind to her mouth.

My great grandmother and I were very close.  From the time I was 5 years old I spent a part of every summer "up north".  In high school and college, I would take my girlfriends to meet her.  In college this was a great benefit if I was half way interested in a girl.  I had a weekend getaway that I could take a girl out to, complete with a cook, house keeper and second opinion.  I valued that second opinion.  If I was thinking about getting serious about someone they had to make a couple of trips with me to visit Gram.  Even though she lived several hours away, she met more of my girlfriends than my parents did, even when I was living with them.  This is still a bit of a sore point for mom.

My mom's offense was bringing up, and exaggerating a comment my grandmother made.  At the time I was dating The Perfect Blond (TPB).  I was serious about TPB.  I met TPB shortly after what could be called my Meatloaf romance.  TPB wasn't the hottest girl I was ever with, she was a solid 6.  What made the "P" of TPB was we were soul mates.  We enjoyed a connection with each that was incredible.  People who didn't even know us felt a need to comment on our relationship and how "in love" we were.  Someplace out there is a picture of us on a college recruiting magazine, the idea being that if you come to this school, you too can be this lucky in love.

That relationship didn't work out.  It blew up.  The person to blame for that is me.  Yes, at the end, she made some irreversible decisions that I would not live with, and ultimately could not forgive.  Her choices were a response to my actions.  I didn't lead properly, and I didn't maintain my integrity.   It was my fault.  Nobody that knew us, knew that at the time, including her family.  I doubt that they know it now.

Grandma is long dead.  A quarter of a century ago she made a comment to my parents that she thought TPB "just wanted to get married".  That's the whole comment.  Maybe she said it in a semi disapproving or a flat tone.  At dinner, in front of my wife and kids, my mother had to bring up TPB and how much my grandmother disliked her.  Then she asked me if Gram was right and how lucky I was etc.

I wouldn't lie.  I never gave mom an answer to her questions.  My wife noticed and looked away.  My son, never knew there were any other females in my life, or that it was possible to love anyone other than his mother.  This morning my little daughter asked why I don't love her mommy.

Two years after I was married to Mrs. Ipsa I ran into TPB's mom and dad at a function.  My name was in the program as someone who gave enough money to meet the speaker.  Her parents sought me out.  They were impressed with my job and how well I was doing.  They asked me to get back in touch with TPB and were handing me her number.  That's when I pulled my left hand from my pocket to take the paper her mom was offering.  In that exact moment TPB's father saw my wedding ring and forcibly pulled his wife's arm back.  He pulled her away from me and they beat a hasty exit.  I laughed as they were running off.  I told them that I wished TPB well and give her my best.

I do wish her well.  I hope her life is working out.  I hope that for all the girls I knew before. 

For the record:

• Married 16 years, faithful 16 years. 
• I know that my life would have been different if I had married TPB.  Among other things my kids would be mostly raised now, instead of just starting their schooling.
• That incident 14 years ago is a close to renewing contact with TPB as I've ever come.
• My parents next visit will be too damn soon.