All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.



Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!

2/15/2015

Know Thy Baptist

An open letter to the Blogger Blaster.

Nate,

Man, I love you like a brother.  A cross-eyed, tard brother who keeps peeing on the electric fence, but a brother none the less.  I saw your comment that "Baptists are Baptists" in the comments on your post.  Dude you are over 40 now.  Young guys are starting to look to you for wisdom.  You can't be leading them astray like this.

Baptists aren't all the same.  There are some important differences, for instance:

If you want to go bass fishing and you are considering taking a Baptist friend along.  In some cases you MUST invite another Baptist, from that guys church to come along with you.  It's no good just to bring a second Baptist in this situation.  You gotta find one from that particular church to tag along.  Otherwise the first Baptist will drink all your beer and not pitch in to pay because its a sin to buy beer.  If you bring someone from his church with you, they will watch each other to make sure they don't drink any beer.  Added bonus: you will have someone to run the trolling motor while you drink the beer yourself.

I don't know how many times I've seen this scenario.  You've got a bunch of buddies going to a football game.  You got cokes, chips, the grill, brats and all the fixins in the back of the truck.  It occurs to you that the thing that would hit the spot would be a bucket of chicken and there is a KFC on the way to the stadium.  Ya gotta know your Baptist in this situation.  As a non-Baptist you're thinking that with all the chow you got packed in the truck that your gonna have enough food for 12 or 13 guys and there's only 6 of ya'll going.  But two of em are Baptists.  Now you've a particularly challenging mathematical quandary. Do you need two buckets of chicken or three?  Do you have to get a second bucket of extra crispy or extra sides?

Not all Baptists are created equal and you've got to know the difference.  Take either one of the scenarios.  What if you felt like stopping off at Hooters for some hot wings on your way home?  You offer to get the check if your Baptist gets the tip.  After staring at her boobs for two hours your Baptist leaves no tip because its a sin to temp men to lust.  Next time you stop in you get stuck in the old lady "A" cup section and your wings are cold when you get them.

Man you gotta know your Baptists.  It might not be life or death, but it can come back to haunt you if you don't handle it right.




*All of the above situations are real.

6 comments:

  1. Susan9:35 AM

    Thank You!! I don't think he has quite accepted the fact that he is moving into the mentor period of his life now. That happens when one hits 40, and you can't stop it. Not if you want to continue on the road that Nate is on.

    As to the Baptist stuff, you are absolutely correct. Here in Oregon, a lot of what used to be Baptist has turned into Calvary Chapel. Which is okay by me. We are conservative in our Biblical teaching, and fellowship.

    But we don't go the distance of the Southern Baptist. Totally different animal completely.

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  2. While I do understand that these situations are legit... I don't see how they demonstrate a difference in various flavors of baptists. Southern Baptists... Primitive Baptists... Ain't no difference in them. They all think you're going to hell if ya fuck standing up because its so close to dancing.

    Actually scratch that... they all think you're going to hell period. Everyone. All the time. No one is more hell obsessed than Baptists.

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  3. "its so close to dancing."

    This made me laugh so hard.

    I went to a Baptist school. One year for spiritual emphasis week we had a pastor Arty Parlen he actually told us that hand holding led to pregnancy. As an adult I understand what he meant. As kids we put sandwhich bags on our hands and tried to hold the girls hands. It's true, too much sex leads to dancing. If you ever saw em dance you'd know why its a sin.

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  4. When the dancing starts in heaven, all the Baptists will be avoiding eye contact...

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  5. WW..... that comment needs a "like" button.

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  6. Thanks, Nate. Much appreciated.

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