Groaner for Watergirl

There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.

Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.

Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.

The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.

Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."

"No problem, dearie," said one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."

Tales From Beyond

A goober was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car starts slowly; the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the goober jumps out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a restaurant and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other,

"Look John, that's the goober who got in the car when we were pushing it."

Dumb

I don't like to see suffering. It doesn't matter if its people or animals, I don't like to see others having a hard time or dealing with difficult circumstances.  I often find it in bad taste when other people mock the difficulties of others.  However, sometimes the humor of a situation is just to acute to avoid.

When President Barack Obama urged Americans under siege from Hurricane Sandy to stay inside and keep watch on ready.gov for the latest, he left out something pretty important — where to turn if the electricity goes out.

Despite the heightened expectation of widespread power and cable television failures, everyone from the president to local newscasters seem to expect the public to rely entirely on the Internet and their TVs for vital news and instructions. 

Read more here.
 

Oh the irony.  Where should you get your information, the internet.  Unless of course its about the president's birth certificate.  How, should you access the internet when the power is out?  The power wont go out, we have lots of solar powered electricity. Historically that works great in storm situations. Duh.  If we would have closed down all the caol fired power plants this storm never would have happened in the first place.

If You're Going to Drink...

Have the good sense not to break into somebody else's apartment. This is especially true if the apartment is owned by a chick who thinks she is the karate kid.

I can't help but feel sorry for the guy.  It must be awful to have to tell your cell mates you got your butt kicked by a girl.  At least with your face shoved in the pillow they won't have to see you cry.

As for the chick, well I think we can gain some insights.

1. Chicks fighting guys works best when,
1. the guy is drunk
2. not expecting anything is going to happen
3. in the bathroom
4. doesn't fight back
2. This girl wasn't really afraid, or justified in what she did
1. the "intruder" was in the bathroom.
2. the "intruder" told her he was in his own apartment.
3. after investigating and citing him, the cops let him go
3. This is a case of "girl power" meets "kung fu" gone amuck.

While I believe a person has the absolute right to protect their own home, you do have to exercise some common sense.  Like, somebody is in the house, call cops, wait.  Clearing a house with your black belt and a couple of tournament wins would have been a disaster if instead of an unsespecting drunk in the bathroom, you were met with a different scenerio.  Had drunk guy in the bathroom been more menecing, say meth-head needing $40 for a fix, or rapist who is into beefy chicks or a real home invader, I can see this turning out much worse for chick with black belt and no sense.

Pumpkin Carving

A couple of points if you opt for this method for carving your pumpkin this year.

1. You still have to hollow out the inside of the pumpkin first, otherwise it will explode when you shoot it.
2. You might want to consider a better backstop than shooting into the woods.
3. Don't use anything bigger than a 40.  I'm sure a 44 mag wouldn't turn out as nice.

Election

I admit it, I'm having a hard time with this election.  On one hand there is a pro abortion, pro butt sex, neo-socialist, big spending, lie through his teeth flip flop artist who belongs to a wacko church that is based on discredited racial theories, war monger, whose main goal in life is to give his buds a chance to loot whats left of the empire, and other we have Barack Obummer.

With Ron Paul out that only leaves Gary Johnson.  Who would have thought that in Amercia a guy who is pro ponography, pro prostituion and pro drug use would be the most moral man running and the best chance for not tanking whats left of my country.  It seems that all hope is lost, that is, until now.

Give me Fred till I'm dead!

On education:

"I am replete with ideas for scholarly progress and social improvement. For example, any student who curses or assaults a teacher will be expelled, instantly and forever. (“But Fred,” you say, “The poor things, they will end up in prison.” Exactly. They would anyway. Let’s get them started. Think of it as advanced placement. We could call it Head Start.)"
 

On good Government:

"Next, I will have members of Congress officially designated as ducks by the National Park Service. States vary as to when duck season opens, but this is a matter of States rights. For a small license fee in the capital itself, citizens will be permitted to erect duck blinds along Pennsylvania Avenue. I imagine the use of duck calls which will squawk, “Quaaack Pork, graft, corruption, little boys awwwk!”
 

Go here to read his whole platform.  IF we all write him in we might still have a chance.

A Mix Today

One-Armed Consultant

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one-armed consultant with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand.'"

OneLiners

 "You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail."
 
"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my Word."

Communion

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...

"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"

Oneliners Part 2

Before the '60s, most teenagers used self-control.

Money talks, but credit has an echo.

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.

One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.

When you're at school, you wish you were old enough to work.

Night falls . . . but . . . Day breaks.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

It's a new year, do you know where your credit cards are?

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.

A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.

A healthy male adult bore, consumes each year, one and a half times his weight, in other people's patience.

Whenever buying a gift for a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary, buy them something they will use right away.

I told my teenage son to enjoy this part of his life, that he would never again feel so secure in his ignorance.

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

Hunting

This picture is:

Not an elk.  It is however my first mule deer.  I normally don't hunt mule deer,  I go after whitetails.  Its not even my best deer.  At 3:30 on the last day of season, I stalked up on him and 5 does, and the rest as they say, is hamburger.

This picture is:

Also not an elk.  It is my longest distance shot on a big game animal.  It was a 317 yard head shot.  Those of you who know I normally shoot long distance might be surprised that I don't have a longer big game kill shot.  I don't try for long shots on big game and I never wait till I get a longer shot.  Until two years ago my longest kill was under 200 yards.  Then I took a 297 yard antelope and this year I took a 317 yard shot.  It was only a head shot because the buck turned and backed up when I shot.  My normal point of aim is the place on the shoulder where the white and brown make a little corner.

As for elk, I drove across the state just to spend my week of vacation in a mechanics shop getting my truck fixed.  Of course there is a tale of adventure with that but it will have to wait till I have more time.

If You Are Reading This...

If this post has published it means that:

a. I didn't shoot a great big bull elk.
or
b. I shot a big elk but haven't made it home yet.
or
c. I forgot to get pictures of my elk and up load them.
or
d. I got pictures of my elk but have't up loaded them.
or
e.  I had to be back at work today and didn't get time to play on the internet and change this post that I scheduled.
or
f. Something else happened which was more interesting than  updating my blog.

Take your pick and leave your best guess in the comments.

Radio, TV, The Net

I seldom watch TV.  I used to watch a lot but anymore I don't have time.  I spent Thursday night in a hotel room and watched cable.  As I flipped through the channels I discovered that MTV doesn't seem to play music videos anymore.  The little I could stand reminded me of a evil cross of Bevis and Butthead meets bad porn and Oprah. 

I was in Colorado last night.  The radio station played a song that took me back, way back.



Other than being a one hit wonder does anyone know the cultural importance of the above clip?

If you guessed "it was the first video ever played on MTV" then its official; you're an old fart too.  If you remember "Friday Night Video's" and watching your favorite music on MTV and VH1 then its possible that you remember Saturday Night Live being funny. 

What was your favorite video from back in the day?

Real Resume and Cover Letter Excerpts

Maybe this is why I've been having such a hard time getting a better job:

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

Guess what?

Did you know you can schedule posts for when your going to be away?


I'll give it a try this week and see how it works.

Hunting

By the time most of you read this I should have the truck packed and be on my way to go hunting.  Opening day isn't till Monday, but a good camping space and a quick dip in the hot springs are all part of the plan.  "The plan" is of course to spend a week in the mountians eating meals cooked over a campfire and sleeping in the fresh air.  In the event an elk wanders by, I may shoot it.

Sick

Number one kid got sick.
Number one wife got sick.
I got sick.

Before I had kids I never got sick.  Now I never seem to avoid it.