22 to Life

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

BJW - Food

Tongue: a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: to turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

BJW - Night Out

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.

Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

BJW - Good Golf

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." '

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

BJW - Afterlife

Mom, God's so neat, and heaven's supposed to be so great. Could me and Michael go there Saturday for a sleep-over?

---

Our seven-year-old daughter, Clarisa, was not really excited about going to Sunday school, but her little friend talked her into it. After the first class, at lunch, she said, "I like my teacher, and she said if I come to Sunday school every Sunday, she'll show me how I can get a free trip to heaven."

---

My three-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, came over one day and looked around the room and asked, "Where's Grandpa?"
   I answered, "He's in heaven."
   Surprised, she looked at me and said, "Still?"

---

I know what heaven is like because I was there. God makes people when He thinks of them, and then they wait to be born.

---

Our six-year-old, Rachel, prayed, "God, they keep telling us You love us kids. But I'm wondering: if You know my older brother, do You think he'll ever get to heaven?"

---

Grandma's gone to heaven, and she'll be happy there because there's a Dairy Queen everywhere. Right?

---

When Jenny was four, she asked, "Does heaven have a floor?"
   Surprised, I said, "Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like?"
   She looked up at the sky and clouds and replied, "Well, I can't see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers!"

---

I told nine-year-old Heather that someday we would have glorified bodies.
   She asked, "Do you think we'll look like Barbie?"

---

One day my five-year-old grandson, Brett, who frequently went fishing with his dad, told his mother,
   "If Grandma's going to heaven with us, God had better have a pretty big fishing rod to haul her in!"

Three people were trying to get into heaven.

Peter asked the first, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St.  Peter let him in.

Then St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in.

Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?"

"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter.  "Another one of those English teachers."


Baptist Dog

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.

They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"

Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes...  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."

So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."

And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.

Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible...  Turn to Psalm 23".

The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home.  The next day, the family had visitors.  They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"

The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know.  I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."

Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist!  It's Pentecostal!"

BJW - Bruined

Did you hear about the bruin that was seen riding a horse and using a long stick to hit a little white ball?

It was a very rare sighting of a polo bear.