All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.

Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!


BJW -- Summer

What did the pig say on a hot summer day? – I’m bacon!

Why do bananas use sunscreen? – Because they peel.

Why are gulls named seagulls? – If they were by the bay, they’d be bagels.

Why don’t oysters share their pearls? – Because they’re shellfish.

Which letter is the coolest? – Iced t.

What do you call a snowman in July? – A puddle.

What do sheep do on sunny days? – Have a baa-baa-cue.

What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool?- Show me your mussels
What do you call a fish with no eyes? – A fsh.

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea? – It gets wet.

What does a bee do when it is hot? – He takes off his yellow jacket. 

What holds the sun up in the sky? – Sunbeams.

What race is never run? – A swimming race.

When do you go at red and stop at green? – When you’re eating a watermelon.

Why did the man love his barbecue? – Because it was the grill of his dreams.

What is the best day to go to the beach? – SUNday.

What does the sun drink out of? – Sunglasses.

What did the ocean say to the sailboat? – Nothing it just waved.


BJW -- Softball

How many softball players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're too busy arguing the last call.

When does royalty watch softball?
During knight games.

What does a softball player do when she loses her eyesight?
Become an umpire.

What does a softball pitcher and a professional bowler have in common?
They both know how to throw a strike.

Why did the pastry chef hire a softball pitcher?
Because she knew how to handle the batter.

Why are frogs great outfielders?
They never miss a fly.

Why doesn't Michael Jackson like softball?
The balls are too big.

What goes all the way around the softball field but doesn't move?
The fence.

What do you call a cheerleader who plays softball?
Babe Root.

What is the difference between a softball player and a baby?
The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Why was the pig ejected from the softball game?
For playing dirty.

How do softball players sing acapella?
In Perfect Pitch.

What did the glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.

Why don't orphans play softball?
Because they don't know where home is.

Q: Why can't you play softball in the jungle?
A: Because there are too many cheetahs.

Why is it so hard to steal third base?
Because you have to go through a short stop.

Why are skanks good at softball?
Because they know how to hit, run, and steal.

Why are frogs great outfielders?
They never miss a fly.

Why did the cops go to the softball game?
Because they heard someone was stealing a base.

What was the frog doing on the softball field?
Catching flies.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.

Why is an umpire like an angry chicken?
They both have foul mouths.

Why do girls like softball?
It's the only sport played on a diamond.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and an umpire?
One steals watches and the other watches steals.

Did you hear the softball joke?
It will leave you in stitches.

Learning Softball

 At one point during a game, the coach said to one of her young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

 The little girl nodded with affirmation.

 "Do you understand that what matters most is whether we play together as a team and put forth our best effort?"

 The little girl nodded yes.

 "So," the coach continued, "When a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all of that?"

 Again the little girl nodded. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."