All in the Family featured the curmudgeonly Archie Bunker. Archie was television’s most famous grouch, blunt, blustering, straightforward and untouched by the PC crowd. He was the archetype of the conservative male. Michael desprately tried to reeducate him, but he persisted in his breviloquence.

Looking back at the last 40 years, we realize: ARCHIE WAS RIGHT!


BJW - Grooooner

There was a father and two sons. The sons were called Ikey and Mikey.

They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to Ikey, "Throw my key out of the window!"

And then Ikey threw Mikey out of the window.




There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."



A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


BJW - Oldie But Goodie

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."


BJW - Title Needed

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


Blow Jobs in Hell?

Hugh Hefner died at age 91

Among his accomplishments is a Gunnies Book of Word Records accolade for having groped more silicon implants than any other living human being. Not really, but he could have had it, if he wanted it.

Much is being made of "the Hef's" taking $8,000 and building a multi-billion dollar business. They are talking about him being a "pioneer" and making an "impact" on the culture.  Hugh Hefner is even being credited with the sexual revolution.  He apparently helped bankroll the lawyers behind Roe V. Wade.  He promoted black entertainers.  Guess we ought to make him a saint or something.

I'm not going to pretend I've never seen a Playboy.  I have.  I don't ever remember reading any of the articles either.  I'm sure they have some in there.  At least everyone says they do.  I like naked women.  I am passionately pro-boobies.  I'm not such a hypocrite as to pretend I don't like sex, or that I think its somehow evil.  I don't think that at all.  I'm in favor of good old fashioned slip'n slide'n, belly slap'n, do it till you can't walk right for a week, sex. 

But reading the Hef's eulogies you'd think that someone great has passed.  I'm calling BS on that right now.  Hugh Hefner went to college and studied psychology.  Like a lot of college guys he was keen on sex, and he had a bit of perverted streak.  Looking back at college all I can say is, me too.

Hef's genius was he figured out that guys like to look at women. Yeah sure every guy knows that, including every guy born before 1953 when Playboy got its start.  So Hugh being the astute business man that he was sold guys magazines with glossy pictures of attractive women in various states of undress.  Guys everywhere bought millions of them.  Who'd of thunk?

I'd heard the story about the $8,000 to start Playboy before.  What I didn't know was where the first grand came from.  Anybody know?  Hugh got $1,000 big ones from his mother, the other $7,000 came from 40 other people.  Yep, mom was his single biggest investor. 

It may come as a surprise to some, but sex existed before porn.  Folks having been having sex since Adam and Eve.  There isn't a single move that's been tried in the back seat of a car that wasn't tried in the back of a wagon by our grandparents.  How do you think mom and dad got here? 

If I remember right, in my Sunday school class they taught us that being naked was God's idea from the word go.  God only had two rules back in the Garden: 1. don't eat that fruit, 2. have sex.  I believe it was stated as "Thou do it liketh the bunnies" in the King James.

If you judge a man by the good he's done, Hefner comes up short.  He made porn mainstream.  What good did that do?  We had sex before Hugh.  By all accounts it has always been popular.  Hefner made good money by making pictures available to horny guys.  Big deal.  We can get that and more on the internet for free.

Hefner's headstone should read:

Guys like porn.
I sold it to them.
The end.

That Explains That

Image result for summertime jokes


In The News

Mrs. Ipsa went to college in Tennessee and served her internship in Virginia. She still has friends there and keeps tabs on things in that area of the world. On Sunday she asked me if I had heard about a church shooting outside of Nashville. I hadn't. So I went looking for it.
The story wasn't predominantly featured on any of the news outlets I checked out. Of course I Googled "Church Shooting" and Google auto filled the Tennessee part. That tells me that plenty of other people were searching for the same story. Google provided me with a link to a Fox News Story.

The link I've given gives a fairly straight forward report of the events of the shooting.  It's not sensationalized.  It's a report that basically states, "this happened" and then "this happened" with some quotes from people who were involved.  Which is a correct way to report on this type of story.  It's also not representative of what I've seen as "news reports" concerning the shooting.

What happened was a black immigrant from a Muslim country shot up a church of mostly white folks.  The major news outlets don't seem to want to report that.  I'm not saying that the headlines should have been sensationalized to point out his race and immigration status or even that he is from a Muslim country.  With a name like Emanuel Kidega Samson he might not have even been a Muslim.

It seems suspicious that the news media only discovered that a black guy shot up a white church after they ran their initial stories and decided that there was no real reason to keep the story as a lead, or even as front page material.  After the story was dropped from the top of the rotation the folks at CNN went back in and added the pertinent information, and foot noted that fact.


Drunk Driving Joke

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”


BJW - Awkward?

That awkward moment when…
you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..

That awkward moment when…
someone tells you to stop clicking your pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it

That awkward moment when…
somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at.

That awkward moment when…
the guy who discovered milk had to explain to the village what he was doing to the cow.

That awkward moment when…
someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.

That awkward moment when…
you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.

That awkward moment when…
someone isn’t txting you back and then you see them update their status from mobile…

That awkward moment when…
The your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again.

That awkward moment when…
you change your Facebook status to ”single” and your ex ‘Likes’ it.

That awkward moment when…
your teacher is helping someone with their work, and her ass is in your face

That awkward moment when…
you go to a friends yard sale .. and you see the gift you got them for their birthday is for sale!

That awkward moment when…
the someone says ”you two should go out!”

That awkward moment when…
Your at a friends house and thier dog won’t stop sniffing your crotch.

That awkward moment when…
you look up from your phone and the person you have been following around the supermarket isn’t your Mom.

That awkward moment when…
The awkward moment when you attempt to tickle someone’s armpit and end up feeling the moist on your fingers.

That awkward moment when…
that awkward feeling when you accidentally drop your phone in the toilet after using it, then take a deep breath and decide well I got to get it now.

That awkward moment when…
two people start a conversation on your facebook status.

That awkward moment when…
you’re talking to yourself and start to smile like an idiot because you’re so hilarious.

That awkward moment when…
When you start telling a story and you realize no one’s listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

That awkward moment when…
you realize you used the status bar instead of the search bar!

That awkward moment when…
you post a funny status on Facebook and someone has to ruin it by commenting being all serious!

That awkward moment when…
when you tell a joke and nobody laughs then a few seconds later they all get it…

That awkward moment when…
someone asks you whats wrong and they are the problem

That awkward moment when…
That awkward moment when your dancing, then you turn around & you realize someone has been watching you the WHOLE time.

That awkward moment when…
you get hung up on and you continue the conversation alone to attempt to fool the other people in the room..

That awkward moment when…
you do a math problem, and your answer isn’t even one of the choices.

That awkward moment when…
you are in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move.

That awkward moment when…
…that awkward moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name.

That awkward moment when…
you think you wrote a great status and then nobody likes it…..

That awkward moment when…
you hold the door for someone and you’re left standing there for an eternity because they move at a turtle’s pace.
That awkward moment when…
U look in a car window to fix ur hair.. after standing there for 5 minutes… you see someone in the car…

That awkward moment when…
you struggle to open the door at the Gym

That awkward moment when…
your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out

That awkward moment when…
the weirdest kid in school is in a relationship and you’re still single.

That awkward moment when…
you mistakenly thought that a stranger from across the room was trying to get your attention and you pointed to yourself and mouthed the word “Meee?”

That awkward moment when…
a guys t*ts are bigger than yours

That awkward moment when…
an ugly person says “I need my beauty sleep” when they really need to hibernate…

That awkward moment when…
you’re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.

That awkward moment when…
you accidently send a flirty message to your girlfriend when it was supposed to go to another girl

That awkward moment when…
Adele finds someone like you

That awkward moment when…
you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.



Sweet Home Alabama

The kids are doing all right in Alabama these days.

Alabama HS students want classroom LGBT flag removed, compare it to Confederate flag

“The following signers of this petition ask that the Pride Flag flown in Mrs. Yeager’s classroom be removed as we strongly feel that it creates a hostile and provocative learning environment for students not comfortable to openly supporting the LGBTQ+ community in a public school where students come from diverse political and religious backgrounds,” the petition reads.

“Furthermore, we believe it is unprofessional and distracting for a teacher to be so openly displaying their political views in an unbiased and socially neutral public setting.”
The New York Post reports the pride flag was hung up two weeks ago as part of a school fair.

The students’ petition asks school principal Shannon Pignato to “consider the uproar and chaos that would ensue were a teacher to hang for example a Confederate, Christian, or Heterosexual Flag in their classroom.

The Looney left's response is typical:
“In the real world, to suggest individuals be isolated from differing political views is an absurdity. To be made uncomfortable by opinions differing to your own is to function as a modern human. Attempting to insulate a student from political discourse would be an insult to their intelligence,” it continues.
At America's so called institutes of higher learning, they have instituted "safe spaces".  The students went to go and pet puppies, do coloring books and meditate because... Why is it the left needs trigger warnings anyway?  Oh yeah, the mean conservatives (formerly known as Americans) generate feel bad.  At other colleges they forced out conservative speakers who were scheduled to present their ideas to audiences who were not required to attend.  The cry "no free speech for fascists" was shouted as the enlightened left swung chains and base ball bats at the evil Americans.  The police were ordered to stand down.  All in the name of free speech.

Liberal thy name is hypocrite.


Is The Pope Catholic?

Catholic school removes Jesus statues to be 'more inclusive'
167-year-old California institution fears 'alienating' students

The article explains why the school removed various statues, changed the school colors and uniforms.  They were afraid that kids from "some other religion" might not  feel as included in the school environment.  The school was afraid that they were creating a feeling that "it could be alienating" for some students.  The author of the article forgot to say what "other religion" might have a case of the feel bads over being in a school with statues of Mary and Jesus and whomever else.

If Catholics stop engaging in practices that are traditionally Catholic, like the sacraments mentioned in the article, are they still Catholic?  They are not.  They may be something else.  The thing they are not is Catholic.

Parents send their kids to private schools for a variety of reasons.  It's not uncommon for parents who do not share the religious beliefs of a particular denomination to send their kids to a school simply for academics.  The Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and probably Protestants  (you can always ignore the WASPs and get away with it) who sent their kids to catholic school knew darn well that it was catholic school and they were more than willing to accept that fact when they wrote the check and sent the kid.  YES!  That's even true for the Muslims who decide to send their kids to catholic school.

"Inclusivity" is a modern SJW buzz word that means something akin to "lets water down anything that might look like real faith, or achievement or excellence into something nearly meaningless".   San Domenico has started that short slide from being an association for people of faith united in their pursuit of educating their children to a higher standard, to being an expensive public school with zero respect for their historic faith.


BJW True at My House

Teacher: Johnny, please use the words “letter carrier” in a sentence.

Johnny: Yes, ma’am. “My dad said that after seeing how many things my mom was bringing on vacation, he would rather letter carrier own luggage.”



Squeals for the SEALS

Candidate Set To Be First Female Navy SEAL Quits After A Week Of Training.

No way you say.

Way I say.

Here is the deal.  Not everyone is physically, mentally or psychologically fit enough to join the military.  It's true there are different levels of "toughness" required for different jobs.  There are also different levels of intelligence required for different jobs.  The military as an organization has lots of different jobs that it needs done, which means they need a wide range of skill sets.

Despite what you see on TV or the movies or what you were brain washed in public school to believe, not everyone can do everything they want.  Nope.  Not even if they try real hard.  Not even if they just keep at it or get lucky.  There are some things that some people just aren't ever going to be able to do.

What that article didn't quite spell out for you is this.  The gal in question didn't quit after one week of BUDS.  She quit after one week of the pre-BUDS prep training.  That's right she didn't even make it to BUDS.  You know why she quit?

Because it freaking hard.  Being a SEAL isn't just about cool kung fu moves to impress your friends in a bar fight.  Before you can even get to go to BUDS you have to be in top physical shape.  How top, you ask.  Good question.  Before you even get to try out for training you have to be the equivalent of an Olympic athlete.  Not just ran track in high school.  Not just able to lift some weights at the gym.  Not just in the top 10 in your class at boot camp.  You have to be at the top physically.

Then and only then, does wanting it and trying real hard come into the equation.

The stone cold hard truth is most people aren't in the top 10% of all athletes.  More truth?  Most MEN in the military, men who are stronger, tougher, and would love to be elite warriors, aren't either.  That's the facts Jack.  Most guys in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines aren't ever, no matter how bad they want it, going to qualify for the elite combat units.  Sorry.  It ain't happening. 

The sad thing is that someone thought they should be "supportive" of a women doing something that she physically wasn't going to be able to do, because, feel good.  I'm sure that the Navy has some job someplace that this sailor has the skills and natural talents to be successful at.  I wish her well in that role.

Women don't belong in combat.  Yes I know about Lyudmila Pavlichenko.  She is an exception that proves the rule.  I doubt she could have made it in the SEALs either.  Historically in times of crisis, women have defended their homes.  No objection here that it has happened or that some women have proven good at it.  Also not the point.  When the military is a social science experiment it ceases doing it's job of being a combat force and becomes a farce. 


Older Than Dirt Test

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And You Are..................

* 0-5 = You're still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don't tell your age
* 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

For the record:  I didn't remember #'s 6, 8, 10, 20, (at least not new ones), same with 24.  I'm going to go swig back a half bottle of Geritol and take a nap now.  Somebody wake me in time for Jeopardy.  


O'Danny Boy

Little Danny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

"What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.

"It's like this officer," winked Danny. "I am on my way to confession and I'm a little short of material."



An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost on the prairie. After what seemed like forever, they finally came to a city.

When they saw a gentleman on the sidewalk they pulled up to the curb and the lady wound down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The woman rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"


IQ Test

An IQ test question given to a banker, an electrician, and a politician was, "What term would you use to describe the problem that results when outflow exceeds inflow?" The banker wrote, "Overdraft." The electrician wrote, "Overload." The politician wrote, "What problem?"



Mary's fourth-grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something. Her paper read: Frugal: to save Sentence: Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!"


BJW More Camping

The famous detective Sherlock Holmes and his best friend and partner Dr. Watson decide to take a break from their latest crime-solving efforts and go camping. After setting up camp and settling down into their sleeping bags, they drift off to sleep. Sometime later, Sherlock asks: “Watson, are you awake?” “Yes,” he says. “Look up at the stars and tell me: What can you deduce from them?” Sherlock asks. Watson thinks for some time before responding: “While someone may be able to number them, the stars are, for all intents and purposes, countless. Given the sheer number of them, it is reasonable to assume that some are suns circled by planets, some of which may be very like our own. There is a chance, however small, that there is life on at least one of those, meaning that we are not alone in the universe.” Holmes sighs: “Watson, you dolt. Someone’s taken our tent!”


Hello All

Just a quick update from the home front.  I'm still working out of town and trying to sell one house so I can buy another.  Every other weekend or so I come home to see the family.  This is one of my trips home.

I'll be taking off again in about an hour, but I wanted to say hey.  At some point I'll break down and get internet service in the new town, but for now I'm not bothering.  If it wasn't for the two year contracts everyone wants you to sign I'd do it.  For now it doesn't make sense to get internet and not know if I'm going to have to pay a big cancelation fee when I change from my apartment to a house.

I took a few minutes and stocked up the BJW queue so there are some posts on tap.

I hope you all are having a great summer! Take care.


BJW Camp

A man went to a psychiatrist complaining of an identity crisis. “You have to help me,” he said. “Sometimes I’m a yurt. Other times I’m a tipi. It gets to be too much! I’m a yurt! I’m a tipi! I’m a yurt! I’m a tipi!” “Calm down,” the doctor told him. “You just need to relax. You’re two tents.”

Two hikers making their way through bear country come around a corner to spot their worst fear: a grizzly. Without pausing a fraction of a second, one of the hikers takes off running, prompting the bear to charge. Forced into action, the second hiker turns and sprints after the first. “What were you thinking?” he shouts. “You’re not supposed to run in a situation like this. You can’t outrun a bear!” “I don’t have to outrun the bear,” his friend shouts back over his shoulder. “I just have to outrun you.”

A dad coming back to his campsite for sunscreen while the rest of his family plays at the lake notices a van pulling up into a neighboring empty site. As soon as the engine dies, the doors fly open and four children of varying ages burst out and fly into a frenzy of activity. Their parents follow quickly behind them, with the mom and dad unloading gear as the kids rake the area, set up the tent, and arrange the fire pit. Amazed at their efficiency, the dad with the sunscreen walks over and watches for a moment more before commenting to his fellow father, “I’ve never seen a family work so well together—or so fast.” “Yeah,” the other dad says while unrolling a sleeping bag. “We live a few hours away, and our policy is that nobody gets to go to the bathroom after the drive until the camp us set up.”

Where do park rangers go to get away from it all?



Of Trump

I wasn't sure what to make of Trump when he was a candidate.  To me Trump seems crass, loud and every bit a New Yorker.  Those characteristics rub me the wrong way.  That was when he was one candidate among many.  Frankly I didn't like anyone the Republicans were running.  It seemed as if the Republican establishment was in the bag for Clinton.  Still does. 

The election came down to obnoxious verses evil.  That was a no brainier.  Of the two choices, Trump was clearly not as bad for the country humanity.

At election time I found myself saying two things about Trump:
  1. He's the only one even saying the right things, and
  2. We'll see what he does when he gets in.
Trump was the only person saying things we all know about the country being in trouble.  The. Only. One. Anyplace.  When the media shut him out, he used Twitter.  When they reported on what horrible or stupid thing he tweeted, most normal Americans saw it and said, "SO FREEKING WHAT!". 

Trump's not polished.  Neither is most of America.  Trump said what he thought.  If it came out sounding a little crass, at least it was genuine.  Media Whores who were using the news to campaign for Hillary pretended Trump's faux pas  were a big deal.  They said people were offended. Joe Six Pack didn't care.  Know why?  His B.S. detector didn't go off every time Trump opened his pie hole.

Can you say that about the Lizard Queen?

Trump, in some locker room setting, where he thought he was in private, with a bunch of guys, said something about if you are rich enough and famous enough that women don't mind if you grab their pussy. 

I never got what the problem was.  What's the big deal?  If you have lots of money and/or are otherwise famous/popular/desirable in some way to some faction of the female population, chances are, pussy is coming your way.  Is anybody on planet earth surprised by this?  What if Trump framed it the other way?  "Hey guys if you're fat, bald, broke, you ain't gonna be banging many supper models". 

CNN should have reported, "Trump claims the sky is blue".

What was weird about that whole deal was some guy was running tape on other guys in a locker room.  What kind of whack job does that?

What's he gonna do now that he has the big chair?  I don't know.  It's been a mixed bag so far.  Now, do I blame him for that?  Nope.  Every time I turn around the Republicans are stabbing the Donald in the back.

Take Obama Care.  How many times did the house Republicans pass legislation overturning it when Obama was in the White House?  Yet these same clowns can't dust off an old copy of the same law and send it up to Trump.

From my seat, far away from Sodom on Potomac, it seems like Trump is still saying the right things, and it looks like he keeps trying to do the right things.  If you don't think that what he is attempting to do is in fact "the right thing", fine.  He is trying to do what he said he believed was the right thing when he was running for office.  That is so outrageously novel it has my respect.

How many of those things will he get done?  I don't know.

What I do know is Trump is doing more to move the country towards doing the right things than anyone since Ronaldus Maximus.  Another thing I know, Hillary Clinton isn't the President of the United States.
That fact alone is worth the price of admission to the Trump years.


Dinner Guest

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under
the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress
watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she
came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he
didn't. He just walked in the door."


Too Lazy to Think Up a Post

I'm on vacation this week. 

So I'm shamelessly ripping off other peoples memes.


Hard to Believe

It's hard to believe that 6 weeks have gone by since I recovered My Blogger Account. All I have to show for it in that time is several BJW's that I uploaded when I was home to fill the queue. Even those are almost out.

I'm still living in a different part of the state almost 400 miles from my family. Since last Friday I managed to work probably better than 60 hrs. Not bad for a banker. All that hard work has paid off. I'm now enjoying this entire next week at home with my family.

My daughter has reminded me that we haven't had a date this month. That's happening after I get off the computer. My son has designs on every fish in the state. Mrs Ipsa and I have plans for later in the week. We'll be 20 years married come Wednesday.

I have several blog posts that I've composed in my head, none of which have made it into writing yet. Maybe being back at home I'll get some time to type them up.

  I wish you and yours a great Memorial Weekend! May the kick off to summer find you with friends and family and a BBQ grill close to hand.


Indian Math

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant...

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."


A Pun A Day

In the great desert lived a bunch of nomads.

Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank, due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beards, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."


Long but Worth it

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop...

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

 The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."


Personal Update

Farmer Tom gave me a call yesterday to see what I was up to, and to invite me to join the group on Face Book.  He asked how I was and how I was doing.  Then  a customer came in and I had to get back to work.

The short version is that I started a new job six months ago.  It's in a different town almost 400 miles from home.  We've been trying to sell our house but where we live now there are lots of homes for sale and not a lot of buyers.

The new job is great!  I haven't lost my touch.  I like not working with crazy people.  I've been greatly blessed and Mrs. Ipsa is able to stay home full time and home school.

The original plan was that the house would sell quickly and we'd have a new place.  To keep my expenses low, I rented a cheap apartment.  There is no TV or phone or internet in my apartment because I didn't want to sign a contract.  I don't have the luxury of a non-monitored internet at work.  I doubt my IT guy spends a lot of time checking up, but they let it be know that he can.  No blogging on the clock for me.

I'm home this weekend.  It's supposed to get into the low 80's today.  My son is nuts about fishing and I think there will be at least some mayfly hatches this afternoon.  In a little bit we are getting back in the truck (I just got home last night) and taking another drive.  I'm hoping he'll connect with some browns.


Train Drain

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."


Trump Jokes

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?
By renaming it Trump University.

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!

If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?
The Trump Card

What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?
Donald Trump.

Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?
Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.

Did you hear about the first executive bill that newly elected Trump passed, called the American telephone act?

You no longer have to press 2 for English.

Jeb Bush: "My brother kept us safe".

Donald Trump: "Yeah, from 9/11, Katrina, the Great Recession, and thousands of amputations from IEDs after illegally invading Iraq without an exit strategy."

There was absolute chaos on Capitol Hill this morning as Donald Trump signed an executive order changing the National Anthem to "ICE ICE Baby...".

Trump: "Foreign Policy?, if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."


BJW Chuck Style

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isn't foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once fought superman. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.


After Work

So, I've got a new job.  I'm living in a new town.  Things are pretty good. I'm not saying that there are a lot of Mormons where I'm at now, but I'm hanging out with the uncle of two of the wives from the TV show "Sister Wives" after work tonight.



In Other News

BJW is Back.

I've managed to get a few BJW posts into the queue.  Even if I don't get a good string of posts going ya'll will have something to drop by for.

You're welcome.


He's Back!

Blogger has decided to unlock my account!

It only took nearly two years. 

Since last July, and it was July, I had some BJW's in the queue, a lot has happened.  I'm back to being a banker.  Business is good.  I'm trying to sell my house so I can move.  The wife and Kids are doing fine, but we are all living in different towns while we attempt to sell one house to buy another one.

Thanks for all the calls and emails that you all have sent.  With any luck, I'll start publishing on a regular basis again ASAP.