Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it.
When he got there, there game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
In other news: Border Patrol still can't find the guy.
7/27/2016
7/20/2016
BJW -- Golfing with Wife
A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."
7/13/2016
BJW -- Good Job
My sister landed a
good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.
The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they
stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out,
"Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much
money?"
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.
Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."
Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.
Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."
7/06/2016
BJW -- Independence Day
Food, Family, Fourth of July, and Fireworks. The four best F words ever!
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
How come there's no Knock Knock joke about America?
Because freedom rings.
What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry.
What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A Fire Cracker!
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can't sit down.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington's army?
Laughayette
Why did the duck say bang?
Because he was a firequacker.
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill
Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-Old-Pizza.
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold.
What did the fuse say to the firecracker?
Lets get together and "pop it like its hot".
How do you start the 4th of July parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street.
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772?
The Boston Flea Party.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What do you call a duck on the fourth of July?
A fire quacker.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.
Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what's right.
True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.
Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people.
People have forgotten what 4th of July really is about. Today commemorates the freedom we use everyday. It's not fireworks and parties. That's just what makes it fun.
Let's enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China.
Let us remember as we fall asleep this Independence Day those who fight and the many that have died to protect our freedom.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up too!
The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.
John Hancock was the only person to actually sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. The other signers did not sign it until August 2nd, 1776 or even later.
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
How come there's no Knock Knock joke about America?
Because freedom rings.
What's red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty.
What was General Washington's favorite tree?
The infantry.
What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A Fire Cracker!
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can't sit down.
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington's army?
Laughayette
Why did the duck say bang?
Because he was a firequacker.
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill
Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
What do you eat on July 5th?
Independence Day-Old-Pizza.
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold.
What did the fuse say to the firecracker?
Lets get together and "pop it like its hot".
How do you start the 4th of July parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street.
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772?
The Boston Flea Party.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What do you call a duck on the fourth of July?
A fire quacker.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved.
Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!
True independence and freedom can only exist in doing what's right.
True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.
Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people.
People have forgotten what 4th of July really is about. Today commemorates the freedom we use everyday. It's not fireworks and parties. That's just what makes it fun.
Let's enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China.
Let us remember as we fall asleep this Independence Day those who fight and the many that have died to protect our freedom.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up too!
The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.
John Hancock was the only person to actually sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. The other signers did not sign it until August 2nd, 1776 or even later.
7/05/2016
Frustration
I don't have enough faith to be an atheist. I really don't. I've tried rejecting God. I'm not able to. God is real. I believe the bible because every word of it is true.
God, being outside of time, has a way of speaking truth that transcends time and space. Maybe someday I'll work out a good way to describe this idea. It's to late tonight to take a crack at it. God's truth is much bigger than our truth, in both definition and scale. As are His methods of interacting with us. Here in is my frustration.
Maybe you've had some say, "I can't believe in God because He doesn't answer prayer". I've got the opposite problem. God answers my prayers. I see Him answer other prayers. Frankly, He seems to enjoy doing it. Although I believe He says "no", that's not my problem. He seems to say "yes" far more frequently than random chance would allow. I suspect that He especially enjoys doing things for His kids in ways that are totally unexpected from our vantage point in time.
I just wish I had the ability to see the plan a little more in advance than I do. I wish I was able to hear His voice a little more clearly, and order my steps accordingly. I don't know how to get better at doing either one of these things.
If you have faith as a mustard seed you can move mountains. If I could hear His voice or see the plan, I'd know which ones need moving and which ones need to be gone around. Another problem, "He can do more than we can ask or imagine". I believe that. I can imagine, and therefore ask for a lot.
Maybe that's immaturity on my part. Maybe its something else, like a lack of faith. Maybe, if I could see the plan, I'd do a better job getting with the program. Maybe I'd see what was coming and totally freak out and blow it worse than I am now.
God, being outside of time, has a way of speaking truth that transcends time and space. Maybe someday I'll work out a good way to describe this idea. It's to late tonight to take a crack at it. God's truth is much bigger than our truth, in both definition and scale. As are His methods of interacting with us. Here in is my frustration.
Maybe you've had some say, "I can't believe in God because He doesn't answer prayer". I've got the opposite problem. God answers my prayers. I see Him answer other prayers. Frankly, He seems to enjoy doing it. Although I believe He says "no", that's not my problem. He seems to say "yes" far more frequently than random chance would allow. I suspect that He especially enjoys doing things for His kids in ways that are totally unexpected from our vantage point in time.
I just wish I had the ability to see the plan a little more in advance than I do. I wish I was able to hear His voice a little more clearly, and order my steps accordingly. I don't know how to get better at doing either one of these things.
If you have faith as a mustard seed you can move mountains. If I could hear His voice or see the plan, I'd know which ones need moving and which ones need to be gone around. Another problem, "He can do more than we can ask or imagine". I believe that. I can imagine, and therefore ask for a lot.
Maybe that's immaturity on my part. Maybe its something else, like a lack of faith. Maybe, if I could see the plan, I'd do a better job getting with the program. Maybe I'd see what was coming and totally freak out and blow it worse than I am now.
7/04/2016
Happy 4th
Wishing you and yours a Happy Forth of July.
We've got a BBQ going and are having a great meal put on by Mrs. Ipsa. Due to the hot, dry conditions in our state, all fireworks are cancelled this year, including one of the places that shoot them off over their reservoir. No fireworks is a bummer for the kids but its still a fine day.
To my countrymen who signed and then backed up their commitment to my freedom with their blood, I remember and thank you.
We've got a BBQ going and are having a great meal put on by Mrs. Ipsa. Due to the hot, dry conditions in our state, all fireworks are cancelled this year, including one of the places that shoot them off over their reservoir. No fireworks is a bummer for the kids but its still a fine day.
To my countrymen who signed and then backed up their commitment to my freedom with their blood, I remember and thank you.
7/01/2016
More on Trump
My coworker is a contradiction in terms. She holds to several different ideas, about lots of subjects, that simply can't all be true. This doesn't bother her at all. She is against Trump. She doesn't disagree with him about anything, she just doesn't like him. He is, in her words, "a bully".
My coworker is also a devoutly religious person with what seems to be a real and genuine life long faith. She recognizes Hillary Clinton as Satan's personal representative on earth. Which is probably closer to the truth than anyone is comfortable admitting.
Which of the two candidates do you think she supports? That's right Hillary.
It's not like she disagrees with anything Trump has in his political platform. She has firsthand experience with Muslims who have come to our town and caused problems. She can't stand them and wishes someone would run them out of the country. She's not big on Mexicans. She hates and distrusts the federal government in a way only a multi generational Wyoming sheepherder can. Every single thing Trump says he is for, she says she is for too.
She is cheering for Hillary. She's going to vote for Hillary. She thinks you should vote for Hillary too. Because she doesn't like Trump.
I've given up talking with her about it. I can't break through her old gray noggin with anything I say.
Her: "Trump is going to start a trade war".
Me: "You mean we are going to start fighting back"?
Whatever our local paper says, that's what she believes. There is no getting through because that's what she has been taught via the media. I'd be ok with her take on the world if she said things like, "I agree with Hillary about..." or "I think Trump is wrong about..." but those aren't options. She hates everything Clinton stands for and that's who she is voting for, because the folks down at the paper don't like Trump.
My coworker is also a devoutly religious person with what seems to be a real and genuine life long faith. She recognizes Hillary Clinton as Satan's personal representative on earth. Which is probably closer to the truth than anyone is comfortable admitting.
Which of the two candidates do you think she supports? That's right Hillary.
It's not like she disagrees with anything Trump has in his political platform. She has firsthand experience with Muslims who have come to our town and caused problems. She can't stand them and wishes someone would run them out of the country. She's not big on Mexicans. She hates and distrusts the federal government in a way only a multi generational Wyoming sheepherder can. Every single thing Trump says he is for, she says she is for too.
She is cheering for Hillary. She's going to vote for Hillary. She thinks you should vote for Hillary too. Because she doesn't like Trump.
I've given up talking with her about it. I can't break through her old gray noggin with anything I say.
Her: "Trump is going to start a trade war".
Me: "You mean we are going to start fighting back"?
Whatever our local paper says, that's what she believes. There is no getting through because that's what she has been taught via the media. I'd be ok with her take on the world if she said things like, "I agree with Hillary about..." or "I think Trump is wrong about..." but those aren't options. She hates everything Clinton stands for and that's who she is voting for, because the folks down at the paper don't like Trump.
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