Mini Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania.  As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes.  She then opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off our car!"

Card Cover Up

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

Calls to Information Assistance

Just a few decades ago, before the days of Google and online information, people would call an operator to get a phone number they needed. Often these phone calls resulted in funny conversations as people tried to explain what they needed or who they were trying to get in touch with.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?

Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?

Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.

Operator: Where are you calling from?

Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board, please.

Operator: Which department?

Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?

Caller: With letters.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.

Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

Caller: Yes.

Business Trip

Can We Help

My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help.

No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map.

When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.

"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."