*Laws Pertaining to Dessert*
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the
plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you
shall have
dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you
have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite
consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten
where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to
fill two
forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still
you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small
portion
thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have
not,
you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
dessert.
*Laws When at Table*
If you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair
such as an older person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as
they
were. Neither raise up your knees nor place your feet upon the table,
for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting
bandage
to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they
are
for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will
be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to
your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister
what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws nor use the raiment of the
table to
wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it
is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not
do
that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do
that,
that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed
me; for
if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold,
even as I have said, it has come to pass.
*On Screaming*
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up
even to
the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your
right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with
the server,
that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise, if you receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal
seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say,
refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelms you, and cause
you faint
unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover
your face nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made
the
fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but
not in
the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown
provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those
in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may
you
carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living
room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat,
neither may
you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Concerning Face and Hands*
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the
stains are
upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner
wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each
finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo,
how
iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be, and you shall not go
hence until I have done.
*Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances*
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither
drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub
your
feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against
cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that
you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose
as I
read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive
me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
*Complaints and Lamentations*
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell
you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest
detail;
and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even
sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies,
and hit
and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the
corner.
And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent
to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would
leave you
there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the
corner you ask straight-away, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you
may not come
out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you
ask again a third time, then you may come out.
Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they
mount higher than before.
For our health, that we may be covered, I give six
hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers
not the
fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a
calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor
for many
medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage
is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.
For I will come to you at the first of the month and
at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and
moan. And
when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of
it, and mourn and rend my receipts.
And you shall remember that I am that I am: before,
after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my
wrath, O
children of me.
