12/26/2019
12/25/2019
BJW X-Mass Edition
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
Why did Santa go to the doctor?
Because of his bad "elf"!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!
What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!
What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!
What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump?
Santa laughing his head off!
What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho!
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!
Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf center!
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!
Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!
What kind of cars do elves like to drive?
A Toy-ota!
Who is the king of Santa's rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)
What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!
Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!
How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Who is the Music Elf's favorite reindeer?
Dancer!
What do elves post on Social Media?
Elf-ies!
Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!
why don't reindeer like picnics?
Because of all their ant-lures!
What do you get when you cross a deer with rain?
A reindeer!
Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee?
Star-bucks
What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!
What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!
What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear?!
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers or Brrrr-itos!
When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What did one snowman say to the other?
I couldn't hear them, so I have snow-idea!
Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose!
Why is winter a snowman's favorite time of year?
It is when a snowman can camouflage!
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank!
What do you call a snowman who vacations in the tropics?
A puddle!
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
What do fish sing at Christmas time?
Christmas Corals!
What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
Quit hanging around!
What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear?
A fur tree!
Why wouldn't the cat climb the Christmas tree?
It was afraid of the bark.
Why didn't the rope get any Christmas presents?
It was knotty!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter 'Y'!
How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
Why do cats take so long to wrap presents?
They want them to be purr-fect!
What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!
How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbet ribbet'?
A Mistle-toad!
What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'
Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
"I wish Christmas would last forever because there would be no Sep-timber!"
Where does Mistletoe go to become famous?
"Holly" wood!
What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!
Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?
No well, no well!
What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!
How did Mary & Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
There was a weight in a manger!
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!
What's the name of the one horse in "Jingle Bells"?
Bob. (Bells on Bob's tail ring!)
What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!
Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!
12/24/2019
12/23/2019
12/22/2019
12/21/2019
12/20/2019
12/19/2019
12/18/2019
You Know You're In Trouble When...
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
12/17/2019
12/16/2019
12/15/2019
12/14/2019
12/12/2019
12/11/2019
Civil Servant
A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall.
He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"
He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"
12/04/2019
Holding A Job
A young man was a very slow worker and subsequently found it difficult to hold down a job.
After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whoosh, they were gone!"
11/29/2019
11/28/2019
11/27/2019
Helpfull
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" she replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband replied, "She also stole a can of peas."
11/25/2019
11/20/2019
Secrets
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a
Japanese symbol on her hip.
"Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "Just curious, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
11/18/2019
11/13/2019
Two, One Liners
Always try to be modest … and be proud of it!
"My steering wheel won't turn," Tom said straightforwardly.
"My steering wheel won't turn," Tom said straightforwardly.
11/11/2019
Veteran's Day
I remember these guys:
If you truly appreciate our vets:
Cause I thought it was funny.
11/10/2019
11/09/2019
11/06/2019
Getting Hired at the FBI
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Goober -
who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try
out for
the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Goober, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Goober, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Goober looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Goober wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Goober was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
11/04/2019
11/01/2019
10/30/2019
Getting Help
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
10/23/2019
Funny Book Titles
~ "Come on In! by Doris Open
~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp
~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight
~ "Prison Security" by Barb Dweyer
~ "Irish First Aid" by R. U. O'Kaye
~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo
~ "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi
~ "Why I Eat at McDonalds" by Tommy Ayk
~ "I Hit the Wall" by Isadore There
~ "The Bruce Lee Story" by Marsha Larts
~ "Take This Job and Shove It" by Ike Witt
~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long
~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde
~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp
~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight
~ "Prison Security" by Barb Dweyer
~ "Irish First Aid" by R. U. O'Kaye
~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo
~ "I Didn't Do It!" by Ivan Alibi
~ "Why I Eat at McDonalds" by Tommy Ayk
~ "I Hit the Wall" by Isadore There
~ "The Bruce Lee Story" by Marsha Larts
~ "Take This Job and Shove It" by Ike Witt
~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long
~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde
10/17/2019
10/16/2019
10/13/2019
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