BJW - Medical

Fred was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Fred struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sally visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?"

"My life insurance policy."


Modern Medicine Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier...

St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..."

Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


Miracle Cure? Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."