We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in  Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to  do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on  our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane  preparedness plan: 
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your  family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your  car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.
 Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not  follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.
 We'll start with one of the most important hurricane  preparedness items:
 HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
 If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.  Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets  two basic requirements:
  (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Illinois.
 Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any  other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies  would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be  required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the  insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an  insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the  replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like  used dental floss.
 EVACUATION ROUTE:
 If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an  evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,  look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying  area.
 HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
 If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.  Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last  possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with  strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
 In addition to food and water, you will need the  following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn  out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach.  (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for,  but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A  big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane,  but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.  (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be  irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane  passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
 Of course these are just basic precautions. As the  hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the  situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain  slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally  important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
 Good luck, and remember: its great living in  paradise.