Kevin Leman, Nut Less Wonder

“Women are manipulators, so they'll never shy away from saying stupid things like: "I think doing the laundry is sexy!"

"The fact that the guy will figure out that she's full of it the first time he does the laundry and she does not exhibit the customary physical reactions nor does she come through on the implied promise tends to escape them. But then, logic and accountability are not strong points for the average woman.”

Vox reminded me of an incident from the early years of our marriage. When we first got married the wife and I worked about 8 to 9 hours a day, but that fall I changed jobs and she had to work at a more remote location. I was working 12 or more hours with the commute and she was working about 10 after the drive. Needless to say some of the funner reasons for being married were lessening.

Mrs. Ipsa prior to getting married was into just about every Christian help book there was. One of the books she had in her collection was Kevin Leman’s Sex Begins in the Kitchen. It should be renamed Satan’s Plan for Feminizing Your Marriage.

In a moment of sexual deprived weakness I read it. Then I got the boss to give me an afternoon off. I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, and had dinner just about ready when the wife came in the house. She walked in the door, took one look at the tiny amount of flour that spilled on the floor, went to the newly cleaned bathroom and came back and chewed me out.

I learned my lesson. I used Leman’s book for just one more domestic duty, I started a campfire with it. We’ve come along way since then.

I was visiting a good Christian family and had a conversation with the wife in front of her husband. She was joking about not giving her husband enough sex. I asked her if she, as a women, needed him to provide for their family financially. She is a stay at home mom. She said “yes”. I asked if she expected her husband to go to work each day. Again yes. They are trying to get out of debt so they can buy a house, he often works two jobs. I asked how many days a week he worked at the second job. She said “4 or 5 including the weekends”. “So he works seven days a week, to meet your needs?” I asked. “Yes”, she said sheepishly.

“Are you ok with (name withheld) screwing a secretary at work?” I wondered. “NO, I’d divorce him!” Doesn’t seem fair to me, he can’t get laid at home and he can’t get laid work, he works to meet your needs 7 days a week but you can’t find 45 minutes a day to meet one of his. If you were being fair you’d meet his needs daily, twice some days even.

Sex doesn’t begin in the kitchen. Sex begins with you pawning the kids off on someone else for the night. Make yourself appealing to him. Then loop Joan Jet’s “Do You Want to Touch Me There” on the mpg player. When he comes in the door a striptease while you lip synch the song is a good start. Then give him whatever else he likes, you can stop when his balls are blue and you can’t walk anymore.

If he has a heart attack and dies, you’ll have the life insurance and won’t have to worry about meeting a man’s needs again. If he lives, you’ll have a man who wants to do things to make you happy.

The basic definition of adultery is sexual unfaithfulness in marriage. If your man isn’t going to work with a smile on his face, or coming home with one in anticipation of what’s in store, you need to rethink how faithful you're being to him.