GFF--Sundry

This one is a continuation of last week's.

Three Moms Had No Way To See Their Hero Sons, So A CEO Picked Them Up In His Private Jet

 

Doug Perrill has a cool job.  He gets to fly a corporate jet around and deliver VIP's to their destinations.  Doug heard about the three young men who saved the folks on that train in France and how their mothers wouldn't be able to go to Paris to see their boys get their award.

 

So he called his boss and asked for a favor.  I'm not sure how that phone call went down but it ended up with him taking the company jet to Paris and making sure three American moms got to see their boys be honored as heroes.

 

Good on ya Doug and good on your boss Tim Boyle for picking up the tab.

 

Tats

 

First as disclaimer, I'm not a fan of tattoos.  It's not my thing.  I think that right around 90% of the time they look stupid.  Call me prejudiced.  I recognize that it takes skill and is a type of art.  I'm glad Aaron Guillemette has developed and practiced his art and honed his skills.

A tattoo artist in Fall River, Massachusetts helped a little girl feel proud to wear leg braces by outfitting them with a set of spectacular Disney designs.

Good on ya Aaron

"I'm glad to be in a position where I can help the community in any way," Aaron Guillemette told Today. "When I was first approached about designing Hope's braces, I thought it would be an awesome idea -- especially when I heard what the subject matter would be. Hope wanted Disney villains on her braces, not princesses."

Disney villains?  At least its not a tramp stamp.  Using the skill you have to do good is praise worthy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dictionary Definitions by Gender

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes. 

GFF-Update

I noticed that Waterboy has been silent these last few days.  He probably laughed himself to death when he saw the Marines credited with bravery that turned out to be earned by the Air Force, National Guard and a civilian. 

I have been searching to see if I could discover the source of the mistake.  As far as I can tell the author of the original Daily Mail post made the mistake and several other news outlets copied it.  Beyond that I don't have an explanation.

The three young Americans involved in the story deserve our heartfelt praise, respect and admiration.  Men are supposed to fight.  We were made that way for a reason.  Part of our job as men is to stand against those that would hurt the weak and innocent.  We do that by fighting.

Sometimes in a fight you get hit, cut or shot.  All of those things happened on the train in France.  Our boys kept fighting despite their injuries.  They pressed the battle until they were victorious.

Spencer Stone, Anthony Sadler, and Alek Skarlatos were awarded France's highest honor for bravery.  This is not the first time Americans have earned the Legion d'Honneur on French soil.  There are over 10,000 Americans who have held this honor, most of them received it for their contributions in World War I and II.

 

 From this day to the ending of the world,

    But we in it shall be remembered-

    We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

    For he to-day that sheds his blood with me

    Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,

    This day shall gentle his condition;

    And gentlemen in England now-a-bed

    Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,

    And hold their manhoods cheap

 

 There were people from other countries injured on that train at least one Frenchman and a Briton were seriously hurt.  Three boys from the states did something about that.  They fought back.

GFF-USMC Edition

Waterboy is going to give me crap for this but I can handle it.

BREAKING NEWS:

Unarmed US Marines foil suspected terrorist attack onboard high-speed train between Amsterdam and Paris after they take down Kalashnikov-wielding Moroccan gunman known to intelligence services 

A group of unarmed US Marines on board a high-speed train between Amsterdam and Paris foiled a terrorist attack after a gunman opened fire with an assault rifle, wounding three people. 

The 26-year-old Moroccan national, who was known to security services, came out of the toilet brandishing the gun and opened fire. Fortunately, two US Marines were nearby and overpowered him before he could massacre passengers.

The suspected terrorist had at least nine full magazines of ammunition holding almost 200 rounds. He was also carrying a knife.

Unfortunately, one of the Marines was shot and is believed to be in a critical condition.

The last I knew we don't have Marines based in either Paris or Amsterdam.  My guess is these men were on leave and doing some sight seeing around Europe.  I could be wrong, they could be embassy personal, but that seems unlikely. 

GFF-Excuse Edition

My apologizes for the lack of posts.

I have had a couple of things going on this summer that have cut into my blog time.  The first is a health related issue and the other is job related.  It seems that I have put more on my plate and bitten off more than I want to chew.  In any event I'll be resigning after this project is finished.  Hopefully it will be done in the next five days.  Which will leave me with one job and lots to do before moose season.

Moose hunting will take up most of my thoughts.  Maybe some of that will make its way to the blog.

BJW Married

It was Sally’s first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive. “I would just like you to know” said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge “that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.” “That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.” “What’s the case about?” Asked Sally. “Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom”, replied the judge. “Alright” replied Sally “I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

 They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement. At the end, you ignore everything and click ‘I agree’.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked ... with beer.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team," "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Jade Helm 15

I wasn't aware that there was an extended special forces training program being conducted across the western United States this summer.  Apparently there is one going on, and apparently it has some people very upset.

Folks being upset at the US military establishment is nothing new.  Sometimes the angst is well deserved.  I'm not naïve enough to believe that the powers that be are all good guys simply looking out for our best interest.  I'm not paranoid enough to believe that everything happening in our country is a giant conspiracy theory either.

I guess that leaves me in a state of perpetual agnosticism when it comes to following the news cycle.  The MSM has consistently demonstrated that it is the official propaganda branch of national socialism going back to the Clinton administration.  After nearly a quarter of a century of sectarian "consensus building" and "advancing the narrative" I can't accept anything they say at face value.

I can't whole heartedly side with the so called "conspiracy" crowd either.  These guys have been pestering me at gun shows since the 70's.  Mostly they are harmless, a little nutty and not overly concerned with personal hygiene.  That doesn't make them wrong.  It just makes me less likely to pay them much mind.

I freely admit that I can't be bothered to take the time to learn something about what's going on with Jade Helm 15.  I already know that that its supposed to be a secret military training exercise for special forces operators.  They probably don't have a tell all Facebook page with everything I could possibly want to know on it.

So what do we know about Jade Helm 15?

• Folks who are big into conspiracies as a hobby are saying there is a conspiracy
• That doesn't make them wrong
• Maybe the fluoride in the water is decreasing their credibility
• The MSM is in favor of Jade Helm
• Since when is the MSM a fan of military exercises that don't involve sensitivity training, pink camo and KY-jelly?
• They are spending time and effort mocking people that most everyone else simply ignores 
• We have an openly anti-American administration running the show in DC
• Nothing, not one policy, not one directive, not one executive order, has advanced the interests of the American people since 2008.
• The administration has consistently weakened the abilities or overextended the capacity of the American military
• There is no reason for a spec ops training program to be a national news story.  The fact that it is would normally be considered a failure

It occurs to me that when the US took military control of Panama back in the 80's they experimented with a system designed to maximize military presence while minimizing military violence.  For months leading up to the invasion, our forces had several well published (in Panama) training exercises.  Sometimes they had several exercises each day in multiple locations throughout the small country.  News stories telling people where and what was going on became a normal and ignored event.

Then one day at o'dark thirty the exercises were for real.  The Panamanians guarding Noriega's plane informed the S.E.A.L. team trying to secure it that they could not conduct their "training" exercises in that location. Noriega's men managed to put up a defense before being beaten.  The rest of Panama fell with little or no resistance.

Is the Jade Helm story the first indication of something  brewing in the American west, or simply the result of a slow news cycle?  I'm enthusiastically agnostic either way.

BJW Q No A

"Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted."

I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.

Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.

Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.

Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it'll always get you the RIGHT ONES.

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house

I'm so bright my mother calls me son.

My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

One hat said to the other you stay here I'll go on a head

What fits your schedule better......Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?

Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver

I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

A three legged dog walks in the bar and says - "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw"

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk

A butcher goes on a first date and says 'It was nice meating you'

two lumps of vomit are flying through the air one says to the other ''you look upset'' the other one says ''I know i was brought up around here.

2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that's Ludacris

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!

Don't tell a secrets in a cornfield. There a too many ears

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why do you drive down a parkway but park in a driveway?

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. Shaer ti whit yuor fienrds.

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Why does no one on icarly have a dad?

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

Why is everything delivered by a ship called cargo but if it's delivered by a car it's a shipment?

Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.

I moustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......that way people visit more often."

Why do they call it a hot water heater when you don't have to heat hot water?

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

A Good Day at Work

Hero SAS sniper saves father and eight-year-old son from being beheaded by ISIS maniac

The brave British marksman saved the terrified eight-year-old and his father after taking out the crazed jihadi with a head shot from 1,000 metres away. 

The special forces crack shot then killed two other members of the hated terror group, who were also taking part in the sick planned execution. 

ISIS militants had decreed that the little boy and his father must die after branding them "infidels" because they refused to denounce their faith. 

They were just seconds from death when the hero sniper intervened to stop the barbaric killing in the Syrian desert. The pair were part of the minority Shia sect of Islam which ISIS considers to be heretical. 

First, the pic at the top of the article is a AW 338 not the 50 cal mentioned in the article.  Since a Brit wrote the article for other Brits, we probably should cut him some slack.  At least they didn't use a picture of a Red Ryder.

Second, I agree that fighting to protect someone is brave.  If you are, as the story claimed, 1,000 meters away from a man with a knife, you aren't in much physical danger.  Even if you account for the other guys with AK 47's, you're still not in any real danger.  Being able to hit 3 bad guys within seconds and keeping them from doing harm, makes you a good shooter.  Job well done!  Accolades for being brave? Not so much.

Third, the sniper isn't a hero.  I think what he did was good, right, just, and most defiantly necessary.  I'm glad he did it.  I'm all for stopping the murder of good people by Muslims.  That makes you a soldier doing his job, but it doesn't make you a hero.

Forth, I would enjoy having better information than what the author chose to share.  We are told that:

• The first shot was a head shot.  I find this unlikely for a couple of practical reasons.  
• The shot was done at 1,000 meters.  This probably isn't true either.
• We are lead to believe that the shooting was fast and that all targets were instantly neutralized
• This was done supposable by:
• 1 shooter
• 50 cal rifle
• Silenced rifle
• I'd like to know if the weapon was a semi-auto similar to a 82A1
• I'd like to know if the SAS stops the executions of Christians and Jews or is it just Shia Muslims that are under its protection.

I'm fully aware that everything in the article is within the realm of theoretical probability.  I've made 1,000 yard shots on 9 inch targets (apx size of kill zone on Human head).  It can be done.  I've also shot 50 cal precision rifles with quality optics.

Long distance shooting is precision work.  The 50 cal rifle, even with a silencer, recoils a good deal.  For one shooter to score 3 one shot kills on 3 targets in a short time frame he would have to manage the rifles recoil fast enough to make those shots before the targets could move.  This leads me to believe he would have been using a semi-auto rifle.  Those tend to recoil fairly dramatically.

Here is what I think happened.  A spotter shooter team or maybe two or more teams working together set up at different hides and simultaneously eliminated a series of targets.  I also think the distance was under 1,000 yards and/or they did not use head shots.

The SAS are professionals.  They would have done everything they could to assure victory.  Which means fighting smart and giving themselves the best edge.  Nick Gutterridge wanted to write an engaging piece on a disserving story.  He succeeded.... but he is short on facts, and believability.

It's Over

Sturgis is over, so only another week or so before the biker traffic finally goes back to normal.

I had a conversation with a guy who went to the rally.  He told me that the attendance was 1.4 million this year.  I guess they were expecting a big turn out because it was the 75th anniversary this year.

FWIW the population of South Dakota is 843,000.

I never would have guessed our resident grandmother, Susan was biker chick.

GFF--Athletic Excellence

Last Friday (actually today but thanks to the miracle of Bloggers feature that lets you schedule your posts in a queue, it is last week now) I came across a story that didn't fit the theme.

I like stories about athletes.  An athlete is someone who by definition does their absolute best only to risk being beaten.  I guess that's why I like stories about them.  Everything is on the line and losing is at least a 50% chance, if not more.

Maybe that's why I cheer.  Who didn't like Rocky?  He lost in the first film but we cheered him anyway.  We have stories like Disney's Cool Running's, a move based on the real life events surrounding the Jamaican Bobsled Team in the Olympics.  They wrecked and then carried their sled across the finish line.  Then there is Eric Liddell.  He put his faith ahead of personal glory, and apparently sacrificed his shot at Olympic gold.  Then by Devine decree he obtained a more perfect crown.

I cheer for those kinds of stories.  I shouted yes at a movie screen for Rocky.  I remember clapping in my easy chair for a bunch of crazy Jamaicans.  Eric Liddell is an inspiration.  There is this little guy:

Watch Boy With Cerebral Palsy Cast Aside Walking Aid And Finish A Triathlon Like The Champ He Is

Bailey Matthews, an 8-year-old who has cerebral palsy, completed a triathlon in England last weekend, discarding his walking aid before crossing the finish line to a roaring crowd, the Yorkshire Post reported.

“That was his way of finishing in style and showing everyone what he could do,” Bailey’s mother, Julie Hardcastle, told the news outlet. “It was the response from the crowd that pushed him to do that.”

The young athlete from Nottinghamshire, England, was diagnosed with cerebral palsy when he was 18 months old. Though the condition affects  Bailey’s motor skills, making certain tasks and movements difficult, his father, Jonathan Matthews, adapted a walking frame so his son could participate in physical activities -- including last weekend’s triathlon. 

Bailey’s self-determination led him to complete the Castle Howard Triathlon in North Yorkshire on Saturday, which, for the children’s race, included a 100-meter swim, 4,000-meter bike ride and 1,300-meter run, according to the event’s website. The events take place on the castle’s grounds, with one parent allowed to help young competitors with the race. 

Hundreds of spectators waited at the end of the course and cheered on Bailey’s incredible achievement. He used his custom walking frame during the race, but cast it aside for the final stretch, crossing the finish line with pride and glory. 

YEAH!!!!

I'm cheering!  I hope they can hear it in England.

Jury Service

When I turned 18 there were some civic responsibilities I was aware of, and even looked forward to doing.  I registered for the draft.  I registered to vote.  I knew I became eligible to serve on a Jury.   I have never been drafted (they didn't even let me enlist).  I've voted several times (for all the good its done).  I never served on a Jury.

In 25 years my name has only ever came up for jury duty 1 time.  That time I was excused from serving because, wait for it, child care.  As weird as it may seem, I've always considered serving on a jury as something I should do.  I've even looked forward to doing it.  I've never been able to do it.

I guess back when I was learning about such things, I learned about jury nullification.  I don't ever remember specifically learning about it.  The concept seems to be one of those things that has been rattling around in my head for so long that its almost like its always been there.

Which is why this story caught my attention:

Man Arrested, Charged With Multiple Felonies

Denver, CO — Last week, a Denver man was arrested and charged with multiple felonies, but not for stealing, committing fraud, or engaging in violent crime. He was targeted for attempting to educate jurors about their rights in the courtroom.

Mark Ianicelli, 56, set up a table outside of Lindsay-Flanigan Courthouse in Denver in order to educate jurors about jury nullification. Jury nullification is the process by which members of juries can nullify unjust laws by finding defendants charged with them not guilty.

Ianicelli is charged with tampering with a jury, a felony in Colorado that carries a minimum bond of $5,000. He was charged by the Denver District Attorney for seven counts of tampering, and has since bailed out of jail. Ianicelli was in the second day of a planned three-day outreach to educate jurors entering the courtroom about the power of jury nullification. He was handing out fliers when he was arrested. His goal was to inform potential jurors about a vital, centuries-old function of juries.

I'm not really sure how they're going to convict him for jury tampering when he didn't try to actually change the out come of a specific trial.  No doubt their going to have a go at it anyway.  I read the DA's press release and the indictment charges.  Mr. Ianicelli handed out pamphlets of a general educational nature to anyone who wanted one.  Seven of the people he handed pamphlets to happened to be selected for the jury pool.  BTW being in the pool doesn't mean they are actually serving on a jury, it just means they are eligible to be called to serve on case should the court require them to do so.

How insecure about their abilities as prosecutors are Denver DA's?

Hopefully Mr. Ianicelli will get a jury of 12 people who had a chance to read his pamphlet.  Even if they didn't, how is a prosecutor going to try the case without the pamphlet becoming evidence and the jury getting to read it?

I Hate Sturgis

It is that time of year again.  The annual Sturgis SD Harley happening is in full swing.  Which means that no place within 500 miles of the rally that happens to be on a road leading to SD is safe from bikers.

Nothing I say and no amount of complaining about it is going to change the infernal nuisance of this two week period of the year.  Hopefully we get the 3 days of thunderstorms that are predicted.

This has been my 2015 annual anti Harley/Sturgis rant.

BJW Q&A Part 2

Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!

Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.

Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese

Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!

Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.

Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.

Q: What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
A: Shakespeare.

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic

Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: hill-arious

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.

Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud

Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because is saw a lolly pop

Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler?
A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up!

Q: What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
A: A screw driver

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.

Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race?
A: Sherbet

Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: Your pointless!

Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It's the one rated Arrrr!

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.

Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble

Q: Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him?
A: The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!

Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.

Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!

Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!

Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!

Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.

Q: What did the M&M go to college?
A: Because he wanted to be a Smarty.

Q: What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
A: Shadow.

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear

Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!

Q: What do you call a magician on a plane?
A: A flying sorcerer!

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.

Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid

Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty

Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!

Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.

Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!

Q: Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary?
A: Because it runs through your jeans.

What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Police

Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina

Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you're eating a watermelon!

Q: What did the tailor think of her new job?
A: It was sew sew.

Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!

Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!

Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!

Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!

Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!

Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!

Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!

Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.

Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.

Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.

Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.

Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.

Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion.

Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.

Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.

Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!

Q: Why was the robot mad?
A: People kept pushing its buttons.

Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!

Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!

Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!

Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!

Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!

Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!

Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!

Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!

Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinners on me

Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!

Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.

Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.

Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!

Q: What do you call a house that likes food?
A: a Condoment!

Q: What runs but can't walk?
A: The faucet!

Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!

Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!

Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.

Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock

Q: What do you call leftover aliens?
A: Extra Terrestrials.

Q: What's taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.

Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!

Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.

Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
Some say he got beet.

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: Why is a 2016 calendar more popular than a 2015 calendar?
A: It has more dates.

Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don't want to spread it around

Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: a rectangle

Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr

Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: SUPPLIES!

Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

Q: Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
A: All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.

Q: What the difference between you and a calendar?
A: a calendar has dates.

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!

Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
A: Swims

Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Tentacles.

Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
A: Bridge over troubled water.

Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
A: He was booed off stage.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
A: Nostralgia.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the "barking" lot!

Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.

Q: Why are chefs so mean?
A: They beat eggs and whip cream.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off?
A: He's all right now.

Q: Did you hear about the paper boy?
A: He blew away

Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: Yeah, it was in'tents'.

Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.

Q: Where does bad light go?
A: PRISM!

Q: Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture?
A: None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.

Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
A: Their making headlines...

Q. What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.

Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow.

Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell

Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate).

Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!

Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest

Q: Why did the computer break up with the internet?
A: There was no "Connection".

Q: What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A: a garbage truck.

Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.

Q: What music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music

Q: What do you call a book that's about the brain?
A: A mind reader.

Q: Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party?
A: A party pooper.

Q. Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls?
A. It was a Barbie-Q.

Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

Q: What is a tree's favorite drink?
A: Root beer!

Q: What four letters will frighten a burglar?
A: O I C U

Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To prism!

Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships

Q: I can run but not walk, have a mouth but can't talk, and a bed, but I do not sleep. What am I?
A: A River.

Coyote Ugly

Groom sues bride for not looking pretty without make-up

"He said she looked very beautiful and attractive before marriage, but when he woke up in the morning and found that she had washed the make-up off her face, he was frightened as he thought she was a thief.

"The groom told court that he is demanding $20,000 damages for his psychological suffering.”

I'm trying to think of something to write, but I'm laughing too hard.  How bad was the wedding night that he's trying to go this route?

I guess that the whole making a women wear a veil thing can back fire on a guy.

Makes Sense

Our immigration policy is non-existent or at least nonsense able.  My statement assumes of course that there is some concept of "doing good" or "protecting America" or at least not hurting American domestic interests, behind that policy.

IF you are:

• A person of Hispanic descent and looking to
•  vote
• receive public assistance
• work under the table
• pay no taxes
• free load off the tax payer
• An illegal with a criminal history of'
• Rape
• murder
• sexually assaulting children
• narcotics trafficking
• A Muslim
• a confirmed member of the PLO
• a member of Hamas
• a member of ISIS
• Actively involved in a terror plot
• Or just looking to freeload like the Hispanics

The Obama Administration (and most of the Republican Presidential hopefuls) will welcome you with open arms.  The US has established what are called Sanctuary Cities.  We have a basket of government cheese and a voter registration card waiting for you.

Which makes me wonder is there anybody we won't let in, legally or illegally?

Obama detains 27 Christian asylum seekers, Fleeing ISIS in Iraq, they find no refuge in U.S.

 

Well at least we have some standards of who can't come here.  Christians fleeing persecution, man you can't let people like that in.  What kind of country do you think we'd end up with if a bunch of Christians got together and started wanting religious freedom?  I mean what's next, freedom of speech or the right to bear arms?  We can't have that sort of thing.

 

To be fair these folks thought they could sneak in through Mexico (just like everybody else).  It's illegal and they should have been stopped and detained.  Their first mistake was admitting they were Christians seeking asylum.  They should have claimed to be a family of Guatemalans with a life long dream of working at 7-11 and becoming pool boys.  The boarder patrol would have given them cab fare and a welfare application if they would have asked, "just vote democrat, si"?