Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank?
A: The Nutella!
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
A: He got stuck in Orbit.
Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
A: Shakespeare.
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
A: hill-arious
Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
Q: Why did the belt go to jail?
A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two's company, three's a cloud
Q: Why did the balloon burst?
A: Because is saw a lolly pop
Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler?
A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Q: What kind of driver never get a parking ticket?
A: A screw driver
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.
Q: What do you call a horse that can't lose a race?
A: Sherbet
Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: Your pointless!
Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie?
A: It's the one rated Arrrr!
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble
Q: Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him?
A: The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: it wooden go!
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A: A Frisbee.
Q: What did the M&M go to college?
A: Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Q: What stays on the ground but never gets dirty?
A: Shadow.
Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
A: Thunderwear
Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a hole in one!
Q: What do you call a magician on a plane?
A: A flying sorcerer!
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He wanted to get to the bottom.
Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid
Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth-hurty
Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!
Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.
Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q: Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary?
A: Because it runs through your jeans.
What would you do if I stole a kiss?
Call the Police
Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina
Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you're eating a watermelon!
Q: What did the tailor think of her new job?
A: It was sew sew.
Q: How did the farmer mend his pants?
A: With cabbage patches!
Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A: Patty!
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A: A turkey!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He felt crummy!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot.
Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneakers.
Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?
A: A heavy discussion.
Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.
Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator.
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A: The Space bar!
Q: Why was the robot mad?
A: People kept pushing its buttons.
Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
Q: Why did the boy eat his homework?
A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter?
A: Jellyfish!
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies!
Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted!
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: Why does a hummingbird hum?
A: It doesn't know the words!
Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinners on me
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.
Q: Where do bulls get their messages?
A: On a bull-etin board.
Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping?
A: They CHARGE!
Q: What do you call a house that likes food?
A: a Condoment!
Q: What runs but can't walk?
A: The faucet!
Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!
Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
A: Firecrackers!
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: Where do boats go when they get sick?
A: The dock
Q: What do you call leftover aliens?
A: Extra Terrestrials.
Q: What's taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.
Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable?
Some say he got beet.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: Why is a 2016 calendar more popular than a 2015 calendar?
A: It has more dates.
Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.
Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
A: An abdominal snowman.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ?
A: Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal.
A: a cereal killer.
Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: a rectangle
Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.
Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: because it was rated arrrrr
Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
A: SUPPLIES!
Q: What did the tie say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Q: Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
A: All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.
Q: What pet makes the loudest noise?
A: A trum-pet!
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping?
A: He woke up.
Q: What the difference between you and a calendar?
A: a calendar has dates.
Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: What word looks the same backwards and upside down?
A: Swims
Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial?
A: Because he was koala-fied.
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Tentacles.
Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon?
A: Bridge over troubled water.
Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian?
A: He was booed off stage.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?
A: Nostralgia.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the "barking" lot!
Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.
Q: Why are chefs so mean?
A: They beat eggs and whip cream.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side was cut off?
A: He's all right now.
Q: Did you hear about the paper boy?
A: He blew away
Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer?
A: Arriba McEntire.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
A: Because he was a paleontologist.
Q: Where does bad light go?
A: PRISM!
Q: Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture?
A: None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
A: Their making headlines...
Q. What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant?
A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters?
A: a Vel-Crow.
Music Teacher: What's your favourite musicle instrument?
Fat Kid: The lunch bell
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate).
Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She had a make-up exam!
Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest
Q: Why did the computer break up with the internet?
A: There was no "Connection".
Q: What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A: a garbage truck.
Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
Q: What music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music
Q: What do you call a book that's about the brain?
A: A mind reader.
Q: Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party?
A: A party pooper.
Q. Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls?
A. It was a Barbie-Q.
Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Q: What is a tree's favorite drink?
A: Root beer!
Q: What four letters will frighten a burglar?
A: O I C U
Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To prism!
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships
Q: I can run but not walk, have a mouth but can't talk, and a bed, but I do not sleep. What am I?
A: A River.
Okay, this list should be in your personal HOF for jokes. I enjoyed every single one of them.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the Nickleback joke, there is a spoof movie on Netflix streaming called The Walking Deceased. Well one of the ways towards the end that they kill zombies is using Nickleback jokes to make their heads explode. It was amusing to say the least.
I don't know if you or your Mrs. is a fan of the original show, but this parody movie was pretty sharp. It spoofed the whole zombie genre.
TL;DR
ReplyDeleteIn memory of the passing of the Italian patriarch of the company that makes Nutella, I appreciated that first joke too. Almost forgot to tell you that. Have you ever tried an Icebox pie using Nutella? Oh baby, that is good eating on a hot day.
ReplyDelete