Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "
The interview ended at that point.
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks her, "What are you up to?"
Mary smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"'
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my pheasant hunting gear into the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out pheasant hunting in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped hunting
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Sven says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Ole sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over...women like that are hard to find.'
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."
A grizzly bear slips
A guy was telling his friend about his recent deer hunting trip to Montana.
"We were out in the woods all morning and our guide decided that we should take a break along the river bank. I wasn't feeling tired so I went for a stroll while the others were resting.
As I was walking, a grizzly bear burst out of the brush in front of me. I turned and started running like hell through the woods with the bear after me. The bear almost caught up with me but slipped and fell down.
I kept running and the bear almost caught up with me again twice, but slipped and fell each time. I finally reached the river bank. The guide saw the bear chasing me and shot it dead."
"Wow!" replied his friend, "That's incredible. If I were you, I would have messed all over myself."
The first guy answered, "What do you think the bear was slipping on?"
I'll add one:
ReplyDeleteA fellow goes bear hunting during bow season. He finds a tree next to the trail, climbs in it, and waits until the bear ambles by. He draws his bow, shoots, and hits the bear. The bear pulls out the arrow, walks over to the tree, and drags the hunter out of it, over to a fallen log, where the bear proceeds to have his way with the hunter.
Angry, the hunter returns with his 30-30, climbs the same tree, and when the same bear ambles by, shoots it.
Once again, the bear pulls out the bullet, walks over to the tree, and drags the hunter out of it, over to a fallen log, where the bear proceeds to have his way with the hunter. Again.
Livid, the hunter returns with his 458 Lott, climbs the same tree, and when the same bear ambles by, shoots it. Again.
The bear pulls the bullet out himself and drags the hunter over to the fallen log, and just before he begins to have his way with the hunter, asks "you ain't really hunting, are you"?
Note to self. Never again try to drink my morning beverage while reading Res's BJW posts. Major choking or spewing hazard.
ReplyDeleteWell done sir. Very well done. You hit a triple on this one. The cartoons were totally awesome. The duck shooting back almost makes me think that the artist is a major fanboi of Gary Larson's work.
I've seen that duck on lots of times myself. It always makes me laugh.
DeleteThat old photo with the raccoon is pretty good too.
Uno and Heike, two UP Finnlanders, get tired of hunting in da UP, so they head out to Colorado to hunt Mule Deer. First morning, Uno gets up and relieves himself over an old log. Unknown to him, there's a large rattler sleeping on the other side.
ReplyDeleteHis warm urine wakes, rouses, and annoys the rattler who turns and strikes Uno on the tip of his member. Heike comes running when called and tells Uno "Don't move, keep your heart rate slow so the poison doesn't spread, I'll run to town and find out how to save you."
Heike jumps in the rental truck and speeds to town, rushes to the medical clinic, and explains that his best friend's been bitten by a rattler.
Having been instructed "First cut a small 'X' on each penetration, then suck the poison out" Heike rushes back to the camp site as fast as he can.
Once reaching the camp, he runs up to Uno and tells him, "Sorry Uno, doc says you're gonna die."
Nice hunting BJW, especially the one about the Motor City Madman. Only heard the cowboy one and the snake one before.
ReplyDeleteI might've posted this one before, but maybe there's some as haven't heard it yet....
Don has a bird dog named Jake that he's so proud of, he invites all his friends to go hunting just so they can see Jake at work.
On one such trip, Don and his friend Ron are out in the field and Don sends Jake out to scout a small cluster of trees. Jake heads off, and comes back a few seconds later, sits down in front of Ron, and taps his right front paw on the ground three times. Don sends Jake back in to flush the prey, and sure enough three quail go flying off before Don and Ron shoot them down.
They continue on until they come across a bigger copse of trees. Jake heads off and returns a few seconds later, sits down and taps the ground five times. They hunters head in, and again five quail take flight before being brought down.
"Jake is amazing, and so accurate", exclaims Ron.
Again they continue on and come across a vast marshy field with tall grass. Don sends Jake off, but the minutes crawl past with no sign of him returning. After five minutes, Ron is about to suggest that they go look for the dog when Jake finally appears. The tired hound walks up to Ron, mounts his leg and starts humping up and down, before dropping to the ground. He then picks up a stick in his mouth and starts shaking it furiously from side to side.
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?", inquires Ron.
Don replies, "Jake says there's more f***ing quail than you can shake a stick at."
Not bad.
ReplyDeleteNext week has more of the same in the queue.
The raccoon one made me cry my eyes out.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, was that the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
Thanks Res.